Courtship
and dating — is one more biblical than the other? Learn more about the motive, mind-set
and methods of each.
Given
this biblical theology of sex and marriage [presented in Sex and the
Supremacy of Christ], what does a healthy, biblical dating or courting
relationship look like in practice?
The
attempt to answer that question has brought about a literary flood over the
last several years, with different works bearing different levels of
usefulness. A few examples include Boundaries in Dating; Boy Meets
Girl; I Kissed Dating Goodbye; I Hugged Dating Hello; I Gave Dating a Chance;
Her Hand in Marriage; The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of
Mar. Right; and Wandering Toward the Altar.
These
columns can be divided into two groups. One group generally supports the method
of "dating" and attempts to instruct readers to date in a
"Christian" way. The other group rejects the current dating method
altogether as biblically flawed. It advocates an alternative system, which most
describe as "courtship." In my reading, the book on this topic that
seems the most sound theologically and practically is called Boy Meets
Girl by Joshua Harris (he is also the author of I Kissed
Dating Goodbye).
What
is the difference between courtship and dating, and is one more biblical than
the other? I will provide a working definition of each, describe how the two
methods are broadly different, and then recommend why one method is
fundamentally more biblical than the other.
Defining
Courtship and Dating
Let's
begin by defining courtship. Courtship ordinarily begins when a single man
approaches a single woman by going through the woman's father, and then
conducts his relationship with the woman under the authority of her father,
family, or church, whichever is most appropriate. Courtship always has marriage
as its direct goal.
What
then is dating? Dating, a more modern approach, begins when either the man or
the woman initiates a more- than-friends relationship with the other, and then
they conduct that relationship outside of any oversight or authority. Dating
may or may not have marriage as its goal.
The
Differences between Courtship and Dating
What
are the differences in these two systems? For our purposes, there are three
broad differences between what has been called biblical courtship and modern
dating.
1.
The Difference in Motive
The
first difference lies with the man's motive in pursuing the
relationship. Biblical courtship has one motive — to find a spouse. A man will
court a particular woman because he believes it is possible that he could marry
her, and the courtship is the process of discerning whether that belief is
correct. To the extent that the Bible addresses premarital relationships at
all, it uses the language of men marrying and women being given in marriage
(see Matt.
24:38; Luke
20:34-35).
Numbers
30:3-16 talks
about a transfer of authority from the father to the husband when a woman
leaves her father's house and is united to her husband. The Song of Solomon
showcases the meeting, courtship, and marriage of a couple — always with marriage
in view. I am not advocating arranged marriages; rather, I am pointing toward
the biblical purpose for why young men and women associate with one another.
These passages do not argue that marriage should be the direct goal of such
relationships so much as they assume it.
Modern
dating, on the other hand, need not have marriage as a goal at all. Dating can
be recreational. Not only is "dating for fun" acceptable, it is
assumed that "practice" and learning by "trial and error"
are necessary, even advisable, before finding the person that is just right
for you. The fact that individuals will be emotionally and probably
physically intimate with many people before settling down with the "right
person" is just part of the deal. Yet where is the biblical support for
such an approach to marriage? There is none. How many examples of
"recreational dating" do we see among God's people in the Bible?
Zero. The category of premarital intimacy does not exist, other than in the
context of grievous sexual sin.
The
motive for dating or courting is marriage. The practical advice I give the
singles at our church is, if you cannot happily see yourself as a married man
(or woman) in less than one year, then you are not ready to date.
2.
The Difference in Mind-set
The
second major difference between biblical courtship and modern dating is
the mind-set couples have when interacting with one another.
What do I mean by that? Modern dating is essentially a selfish endeavour. I do
not mean maliciously selfish, as in "I'm going to try to hurt you for my
benefit." I mean an oblivious self-centeredness that treats the whole
process as ultimately about me. After all, what is the main
question everyone asks about dating, falling in love, and getting married?
"How do I know if I've found the one?" What is the unspoken ending to
that question? "For me." Will this person make me happy? Will this
relationship meet my needs? How does she look? What is the chemistry like? Have
I done as well as I can do?
I
cannot tell you how many men I have counselled who are terrified to commit,
worrying that as soon as they do, "something better will come walking
around the corner."
Selfishness
is not what drives a biblical marriage, and therefore should not be what drives
a biblical courtship. Biblical courtship recognizes the general call to
"do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility
consider others better than yourselves" (Phil.
2:3, NIV).
It also recognizes the specific call that Ephesians
5:25 gives
men in marriage, where our main role is sacrificial service. We are to love our
wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. That means loving
sacrificially every day. Biblical courtship means that a man does not look for
a laundry list of characteristics that comprise his fantasy woman so that his
every desire can be fulfilled, but he looks for a godly woman as Scripture
defines her — a woman he can love and, yes, be attracted to, but a woman whom
he can serve and love as a godly husband.
In
other words, modern dating asks, "How can I find the one for me?"
while biblical courtship asks, "How can I be the one for her?"
3.
The Difference in Methods
Third,
and most practically, modern dating and biblical courtship are different in
their methods. And this is where the rubber really meets the road.
In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship,
commitment precedes intimacy.
According
to the current school of thought, the best way to figure out whether you want
to marry a particular person is to act as if you are married and see if you
like it. Spend large amounts of time alone together. Become each other's
primary emotional confidantes. Share your deepest secrets and desires. Get to
know that person better than anyone else in your life. Grow your physical
intimacy and intensity on the same track as your emotional intimacy. What you
do and say together is private and is no one else's business, and since the
relationship is private, you need not submit to anyone else's authority or be
accountable. And if this pseudo-marriage works for both of you, then get married.
But if one or both of you do not like how it is going, go ahead and break up
even if it means going through something like an emotional and probably
physical divorce.
Such
is the process of finding "the one," and this can happen with several
different people before one finally marries. In the self-centred world of
secular dating, we want as much information as possible to ensure that the
right decision is being made. And if we can enjoy a little physical or
emotional comfort along the way, great.
Clearly,
this is not the biblical picture. The process just described is hurtful to the
woman that the man purports to care about, not to mention to himself. And it
clearly violates the command of 1
Thessalonians 4:6 not
to wrong or defraud our sisters in Christ by implying a marriage-level
commitment where one does not exist. It will have a damaging effect on the
man's marriage and hers, whether they marry each other or not.
In
Biblical relationship, commitment precedes intimacy. Within this model, the man
should follow the admonition in 1
Timothy 5:1-2 to
treat all young women to whom he is not married as sisters, with absolute
purity. The man should show leadership and willingness to bear the risk of
rejection by defining the nature and the pace of the relationship. He should do
this before spending significant time alone with her in order to avoid hurting
or confusing her.
He
should also seek to ensure that a significant amount of time is spent with
other couples or friends rather than alone. The topics, manner, and frequency
of conversations should be characterized by the desire to become acquainted
with each other more deeply, but not in a way that defrauds each other. There
should be no physical intimacy outside the context of marriage, and the couple
should seek accountability for the spiritual health and progress of the
relationship, as well as for their physical and emotional intimacy.
Within
this model, both parties should seek to find out, before God, whether they
should be married, and whether they can service and honour God better together
than apart. The man should take care not to treat any woman like his wife who
is not his wife. Of course he must get to know his courting partner well enough
to make a decision on marriage. However, prior to the decision to marry, he
should always engage with her emotionally in a way he would be happy for other
men to engage with her.
In
all these ways, a biblical relationship looks different from a worldly
relationship. If this is done well, Christian women will be honoured, even as
they are pursued. Christian wives will be honoured. And God will be glorified.
From Sex
and the Supremacy of Christ, John Piper and Justin Taylor editors,
copyright 2005, pages 145-149. Used by permission of Crossway Books, a ministry
of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60187, www.crossway.com. Download
for personal use only.
