Christian Marriage and Dating

I was wondering… about playing against type

I had a type. It changed occasionally (OK, regularly), sometimes depending on the last film I had seen or whoever I had just passed in the street. But there was always someone – a hypothetical someone – who ticked all the boxes. An invisible standard, lurking in my subconscious, by which all potential suitors would be measured. I just had to wait for him to glide majestically into view.

And then I passed 30.

Maybe you’re there already; maybe the magical milestone is still to come, but whichever side of the big 3-0 you happen to reside, there’s something you might have noticed. Although I didn’t look dramatically different – well, apart from a sudden love for support tights and elasticated waists, obviously – once word was out perceptions changed. Have you seen ‘Bride Wars’? I won’t judge you if you say yes. Thanks to my hairy, tattooed brother (yes really) I have, and a concept from it stuck in my mind. In summary: 30 is the last age a man will go out with a woman of his own age; after that, he always goes younger. A woman over 30, therefore, should expect the attentions of older men, not men the same age, who would only be interested in younger women.

Hmm. Thankfully God didn’t write ‘Bride Wars’.

And yet it seemed some people enthusiastically bought into this notion. I was suddenly suggested as the perfect companion for significantly older men. In one case, I was solemnly assured, because the gentleman in question had “never grown up” (hopefully not one of those chaps fond of wearing nappies). I was also told if I could hang on for a few more years I could catch the second-time-rounders back on the ‘market’, or even bide my time, staring intently from a distance without introduction, for some poor chaps to recover from tragically being widowed. None of it seemed terribly romantic. Slightly alarming, yes. Sinister? Just a little. A pre-defined role as a companion to the heartbroken (or Peter Pan) and I – and maybe they -didn’t get much say in what happened next. So much for having a type. I was already being typecast.

But then I looked around at couples I knew and saw a lot more variety. Differences in age, culture, race, education, height, weight and background. Men older than women but also (gasp!) women older than men. One couple born on the same day in the same year now excited about becoming grandparents. Couples who met at youth group and university and church but also couples who met on blind dates, by chance in nightclubs, even on trains. Unexpected matches in which both flourished. Where types didn’t apply, because something deeper had kicked in.

So when long-time single friends* announced they had found love with older, divorced single parents despite having devoted years to hooking super-hot, younger, uncomplicated matches it made me wonder. On paper (or online) it can seem so straightforward. This is what I want. Don’t even talk to me if you don’t fit. The delightfully misused ‘God will give me the desires of my heart’ wheeled out to justify preferences, but unless we’re perfect (except me, obviously) we need to broaden our horizons. Let character, sense of humour, inspiring conversation, kindness, even differences and challenges, draw us to others. Prepare to be surprised. See what we might be missing. Say goodbye to types and hello to possibilities.

*Male and female. Did you guess? 

Written by Vicky Walker   Posted in: Dating, Singleness

About Vicky Walker

Vicky Walker is a writer and speaker, among other things. Her book ‘Do I have to be good all the time?’ about life, love and awkward moments is available now from www.vickywalker.info

http://blog.christianconnection.co.uk/i-was-wondering-about-playing-against-type/

* I made a decision, some time ago had to re-post other people's blog's but this caught my attention, so I'm reposting it.*

Christian Marriage and Dating

Are Christian guys just too nice? Written by Danny Webster

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Sometimes I wish I had a little more bravado. Sometimes I wish I laughed at things other people found funny. I wish I was more spontaneous. I wish I was unpredictable. Surprising. I wish I had that edge. Whatever that edge maybe.

That edge that makes guys attractive to girls. And makes dates more than pleasant.

Because sometimes I think I am dull. Just dull. Barely making the mark of mediocrity known as pleasant.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Someone better, scrap that, not better necessarily. Better is a bit too much like nice which is a bit too much like pleasant which sounds rather like code for dull. Different, I want to be different.

Threads’ anonymous Girl About Town wrote about her date with pleasant Christian guy. And it provoked quite a reaction. Guys split down the middle between trying to demonstrate their ‘fun’ credentials, and those like myself who sneered at the somewhat faux virility and opted instead for self-deprecation. An elaborate double bluff showcasing introversion and nerd like pursuits as a masquerade to shield insecurities.

It’s a cliché that good guys finish last, but sometimes that is what it feels like. It feels as though to achieve success in one part of life I have to screw up a little more. I could swear here to make my point with added weight but I don’t want to. I prefer not to swear.

We turn finding someone to build a relationship with into a game, where there is success and failure, and we are tempted to try and stack our hand. We weigh percentages and hunches and work out what would give us an advantage. 

Wondering whether if we were someone else the road might be easier. Wondering if a new identity might help. Thinking how much greener the grass is through our rose tinted glasses.

We want everything to be okay, we want to be without blemish so we erect structures and façades to shelter our fragile self. We are told there are ways to behave, things to do and not to do, and knowing that we don’t always live up to that we sometimes try to present an image that we do.

I think that if I wear the costume enough it might become a second skin. It is never quite home, but close enough that I lose sight of the ways it betrays me.

Sara Kewly Hyde commented: “I think sometimes rather than discovering the fabulous and unique individual God’s made them to be, some men (people) are trying to be what impresses others and that in turn can lead to… Well a whole host of insecurities, the fruit of which is sometimes blandness… I think as Christians we also struggle to assimilate our dark or shadow side so at times repress it rather than asking God to glorify himself through it. Repression can also = pleasant but nowt else. If we allowed our imperfections to be as visible as our good bits then it’s unlikely ‘pleasant’ would be the adjective de jour here. Pleasant is great if accompanied by other adjectives.”

Another friend simply said: “pleasant might also mean stifled”.

When guys hear they are too pleasant, the immediate reaction can be to add another layer of characteristics they think might help. So as well as being the good Christian guy they also need to be the Alpha male chopping down trees, skinning rabbits and rescuing the damsel in distress. I mock to make a point.

Christian guys are told to pursue, protect, provide and pastor, and that becomes another list of things they ought to do to make the mark. If they are being rejected as dull, dismissed as pleasant, then they are not doing enough to woo the women.

We are afraid of doing it wrong. Asking the wrong girl out, acting improperly, not being sufficiently chivalrous, not picking up on signals, showing too much affection, or more likely not enough. And under the weight of it, all that emerges is a bland pleasantness that might not be offensive but betrays its insincerity. It can also freeze us into inactivity.

The layers of personhood expected to be worn to fulfil the role of the right Christian guy become so deep personhood is lost. In trying to be something we stop being ourselves.

Here’s the challenge, I get the thrill of the different, the exciting, the edgy, but telling Christian guys they are too pleasant puts them on the defensive. It knocks their security and only encourages more layers covering over who they are.

Truly pleasant

Being nice is not bad. Being pleasant is not just about being polite. And good guys do not need to finish last. But if the pleasantries are a charade or a forced manicure they leave an emptiness where you or I should be.

Dave Shearn put it like this: “I think lots of us are non-committal and non-confrontational in the name of being ‘loving’ and that is lame. Passive aggression and people not agreeing with God that he made them awesome also doesn’t help.”

It’s not that Christians are necessarily more dull than anyone else, but they are known and to some degree safe, and sometimes an element of danger is alluring. It can be pseudo-rebellious.

The unknown can be attractive but it is also dangerous. Because I hope one day to be fully known and to know someone fully. I want safety to be a good thing. In the long run maybe pleasantness is a valuable attribute.

That don’t impress me much

I want to marry someone who loves me, and not love who I might pretend to be. Someone who knows me with my frailties and my failings, who sees my longings and my hopes and dreams. But I also want to be a better man. And I think it is a noble thing to want to be with someone who prompts you to be your better self. Not some act to be more edgy or less pleasant. But to find the ways I can glorify God more fully. To see the ways I can live a more holy life. To bear witness to the image of God that gives me dignity and humanity. To echo in a quiet whisper the love that has been given me.

And be all of it. No one is just one thing. No one is just pleasant. No one is just dull. No one is just boring. And no one is just exciting, edgy or different. We are whole people with a breadth of characteristics and being pleasant is a good one to own. But if that’s all you see yourself as no wonder that don’t impress her.

And I think trying to impress a girl who takes your fancy is a good thing. As long as the impression you’re making is yours to give.

PS. while writing this a friend tweeted a link to an interesting sermon on ‘new rules for love, sex and dating’ so I thought I’d share it.

This article was originally published on 11 May 2013, on Danny’s blog

Read more articles on: Happiness, Singleness

Jesus Shall Reign

1.     Jesus shall reign where'er the sun

        does its successive journeys run;

        his kingdom spread from shore to shore,

        till moons shall wax and wane no more.

2.     To Jesus endless prayer be made,

        and endless praises crown his head;

        his name like sweet perfume shall rise

        with every morning sacrifice.

3.     People and realms of every tongue

        dwell on his love with sweetest song;

        and infant voices shall proclaim

        their early blessings on his name.

4.     Blessings abound where'er he reigns;

        all prisoners leap and loose their chains;

        the weary find eternal rest,

        and all who suffer want are blest.

5.     Let every creature rise and bring

        honours peculiar to our King;

        angels descend with songs again,

        and earth repeat the loud amen!

Isaac Watts 1674-1748