How to Win a Woman's Heart

MAR 25, 2013 |JOSHUA ROGERS

There was a time during my unmarried years when I was trying so hard to get dating right that I just ended up getting it weird.

There was a time during my unmarried years when I griped that the only women who were drawn to me were "old ladies, female relatives and little girls." I wondered what was wrong with all the eligible bachelorettes who were overlooking me. I should have asked myself what was wrong with me. I might have realized that I was trying so hard to get dating right that I just ended up getting it weird.

I think back to the many first dates where I discussed my thoughts on marriage before we had even finished our meals – weird. Then there was the excessive verbal processing of every little step in the relationship – so weird. And there were the countless dates that I managed to ruin by rambling on like I was talking to my therapist. It was embarrassingly weird, and it was all done to create an artificial sense of closeness and thereby force the outcome of marriage. It did not work.

On the other hand, some of the guys I knew had the opposite problem. Where I was trying to get engaged by the end of the third date, they could never seem to make it to the first one. Either they were apathetic to engaging with women one-on-one, or they actually believed that ambiguous social interactions were enough to keep things moving – well, it kept them moving alright: toward frustration and resentment on the part of the women who couldn't figure out where they stood with these guys.

In retrospect, I think we all could've used a good verbal shin-kicking to yank us out of our alternate realities. There's no guarantee it would have actually worked (heaven knows some people certainly tried), but if I could go back in time and be the one to make the speech, here's what I would have said.

Deal With Yourself

Before you're ever going to win a woman's heart, you've got to deal with your own. I'm not saying that you've got to be fully mature to pursue a woman, or no man would ever get married. What I'm saying is, if you've got a drinking problem, major credit card debt, serious daddy/mommy issues, a porn addiction – if you've dropped out of college multiple times and you can't keep a job, please don't invite a woman into that mess.

Get yourself into counselling, and while you're at it, do whatever it takes to be friends with an older, stable, married guy. Be completely transparent with these mentors and with God, and ask for help in moving toward stability. Why? Because part of what makes you so weird with women is the fact that you've got baggage that you're always subconsciously trying to hide. They sense it – even if they can't put their finger on it – and it leaves them feeling slightly uneasy.

Talking and praying through your issues with these mentors will help you change and be more confident as you introduce the real you to women. A healthy woman will pick up on the fact that you feel comfortable with yourself, and it will go a long way toward helping her feel the same way. But once you've done the work of making yourself more emotionally attractive, don't start aimlessly pursing women just because they'll say "yes" when you ask them out.

Decide Whether You're Interested

Every woman likes a man who is interesting, but a healthy woman will only be drawn to a man who is also interested. If you're just showing up in a woman's life to take her for a friendly test drive, she will sense it, and she won't feel completely safe. So figure out if you're drawn to her before you start pursuing. It will go a long way toward helping her trust you.

I'm not saying you can't make a move until you've figured out you want to marry her. I'm just saying you need to evaluate what you know about her and decide whether there's something about her that intrigues you. If there isn't, no need to waste her time. But if there is, don't just sit on your hands and hope she figures it out.

Let Her Know You're Interested

A few weeks into dating my wife, we were talking on the phone when she mentioned that she had enjoyed "hanging out" with me. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, but I was afraid that she might have misunderstood my intentions – I mean, when I'm "hanging out" with friends, I don't pay for their meal, wear my Friday night best, or gently touch their back while crossing the street.

So I said, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you think this relationship is?"

"I guess I would call it a really special friendship," she said.

"Whoa," I replied. "Then I need to clear things up. I'm not sure where this relationship is ultimately going, but when I meet a woman who is as beautiful, intelligent and spiritually mature as you, I don't spend time with her so that I can make a new 'friend.' I've got plenty of those. I'm spending time with you because I'm attracted to you. I just want to make sure you understand that."

"Oh," she said, seeming taken aback by my forwardness.

I knew it wasn't a perfect execution, but it was a vast improvement from the days when I would have freaked her out with some over-the-top, premature diatribe about pursuing marriage. And my approach was a lot better than some of my friends, who were spending all kinds of time with women without ever making their intentions clear.

As it turns out, even though my wife was, in fact, taken aback by my bluntness, she also liked it very much. She says it brought clarity, made her feel honoured, and quieted some of her nagging insecurities about whether I was actually into her.

So what I'm saying is, if you're attracted to a woman and that's the reason you're spending time with her, don't assume that's obvious to her. Say something – anything to let her know you're not just looking for another friendship (and not over text, email or Facebook – do I really have to say that?). And when the two of you start spending more time together, and she makes it clear the feeling is mutual, don't stop there.

Keep Reassuring Her

It's going to take some work to win a woman over – huge investments of time, money and humility. And as you make these investments in the relationship, they will provide little sources of momentum in your pursuit of the title "boyfriend." The problem comes when you assume that winning that title means you've won her heart. It does not.

No matter how confident and emotionally stable a woman may be, she will always need to be reassured of your love – not just while you're dating, but throughout engagement and all the different phases of marriage. That's right. Putting a ring on her finger – even a wedding band – won't totally resolve her lingering insecurities about whether your love can be trusted. In fact, you'll just be getting started.

The thing is, after you get married, what you do will mean so much more than what you say in your pursuit of her heart. Your words will still matter very much, but to breathe new life into phrases like “I love you” and “You’re beautiful,” you’ll have to practice the art of thankless chores, unconditional forgiveness, unconditional apologies, random acts of sweetness, and spiritual leadership, to name a few.

If all that hard work sounds overwhelming, don't give up.

There's a Way Forward

Maybe you're thinking that winning a woman's heart will require you to act like someone you're not. Well, you're right; it will. And here's why: She's not a man – she's not you, so meeting her unique needs won't come naturally. That's why you'll need some objective, outside help from the aforementioned stable married guy, a counsellor, or better yet, from a few women who care about you enough to tell you the truth.

Applying their advice will often be counterintuitive and involve making rookie mistakes as you learn the dying art of romancing a woman. But if you humbly approach the process like a student, you'll change in ways that make you more attractive to women, and eventually you'll develop an instinct for helping a woman feel secure in your love. Essentially, you'll learn how to care about her needs as much as you care about your own (Ephesians 5:28-29). And even if that doesn't instantly result in your meeting the woman of your dreams, at least when she shows up, you'll be better equipped to be the man of hers.

Copyright 2013 Joshua Rogers. All rights reserved.

Yet for this reason I found Mercy

1 Timothy 1:15-16

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹⁵ It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. ¹⁶ Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those ^[a]who would believe in Him for eternal life.

When I was growing up, one of my favourite hymns, was “At Calvary” which goes like this

Years I spent in vanity and pride,
caring not my Lord was crucified,
knowing not it was for me He died on Calvary.

Refrain

Mercy there was great, and grace was free;
Pardon there was multiplied to me;
there my burdened soul found liberty at Calvary.

By God’s Word at last my sin I learned;
Then I trembled at the law I’d spurned,
Till my guilty soul imploring turned to Calvary.

Now I’ve given to Jesus everything,
now I gladly own Him as my King,
Now my raptured soul can only sing of Calvary!

Oh, the love that drew salvation’s plan!
Oh, the grace that brought it down to man!
Oh, the mighty gulf that God did span at Calvary!

The chorus goes Mercy there was great, and grace was free; Pardon there was multiplied to me; there my burdened soul found liberty at Calvary.

Last week we looked at the phrase, That Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, this week we follow on from the looking at the phrase, yet for this reason I received mercy, We have received Mercy because Jesus came and died for our sins, he died in our place and because he died and rose from the dead, we have been given God’s gift of Salvation, now us look at Mercy

In the New Testament, the word Mercy is often used of Christ’s gracious faithfulness and proof of His benevolence. Mercy is not merely a passive emotion, but an active desire to remove the cause of distress in others.

Now let us look at some scriptures that speak of Mercy,

1)   Ephesians 2:1-10 v4 -7 4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead [f]in our transgressions, made us alive together [g]with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

2)   Titus 3:3-7 v5 – 6  5 He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Saviour.

3)   Romans 9:14-24  v 22- 23 ^22 [n]What if God, although willing to demonstrate His wrath and to make His power known, endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction? ²³ And He did so to make known the riches of His glory upon vessels of mercy, which He prepared beforehand for glory

4)   1 Peter 1:3-9 v 3-5 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5 who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time

5)   1 Peter 2:1-12 v 9-10 ⁹ But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellences of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvellous light; 
¹⁰ for you once were not a people, but now you are the people of God; you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.
 

 we will look at 1 Tim 1:16 yet for this reason, I received Mercy, where we will look at Scriptures in regards to the Justification & Sanctification of us the Believer.

Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners,

1 Tim 1:15-16

 ¹⁵ It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. ¹⁶ Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those ^[l]who would believe in Him for eternal life. 

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me wrote the former slave ship captain, a person we now recognise has the Anglican Vicar and Hymn Writer John Newton.

Some 2,000 years ago, a man was lead to his death by an occupying army to die a death that was both humiliating and agonising, both the political and religious authorities had conspired to end the live of this one man because they felt threated by his message and popularity his friends had run away from him and where now in hiding, one of his friends had betrayed him and one of his closest friends had denied him, he was beaten and bloodied, and was led to certain death by public execution, of all the tens of thousands if not hundreds of thousands who shared his fate or will share his fate including some of his latter disciples, this one death out of thousands of similar deaths of those who had been crucified on a cross of wood, this one death was and is of eternal significance, this death bought God’s Gift of Salvation, the forgiveness of sins, The Redemption of Mankind.

When our Lord Jesus came, He had one mission in mind, he voluntary laid aside his divine attributes and was born by a woman, he lived a normal life in seeming obscurity, he launched his mission by these words The Spirit of the Lord is upon me see Luke 4:18-19, he had been tempted to sin by the deceiver and accuser Satan, yet had not sinned, indeed there was no sin found in Him, his mission then and now is to save sinners. John the Baptist said these words when Jesus came to him to be baptised in Water, Behold the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, and see John 1:28-30.

What do we mean by the Word, sin?

Sin means missing the mark, failure, offense, taking the wrong course, sin, guilt, it’s also used in the New Testament in a generic sense of concrete wrongdoing, a principle and quality of action, and as a sinful deed this includes acts/desires/passions. Sin separates us from God the father because of sin we are unable to have a relationship with Him, Man has tried to find a way to have a relationship with God, and because of our sinful nature we have failed, yet God has provided us the way to Him , see John 14:6.

Let us look now, how Sin came into a perfect World, we all know that when Adam & Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, they were deceived by satan, see Romans 5:6-21 that because of the fall, sin entered a perfect world, we have inherited sin because we come from Adam & Eve and because of this we have a sinful nature and the desire and inclination to sin, see Romans 3:21-26.

Because no man is born without sin, and we have  sinful desires and inclinations, it is impossible for a man to die in our place for our sins,  God sent his Son Jesus, who voluntary died in our place for our sins, He died as our substitute he took the place we deserve, paid the price that we should really pay, he surrendered his life that we may live, he laid aside his relationship to his father, so that through him and his sacrifice we can enter into a relationship with His Father, and our Father see 2 Corinthians 5:14-21

Next for this reason I found Mercy

        

7 Habits of Effective Men

7 Habits of Effective Men

To boldly go, where no-one has gone before !

To boldly go, where no-one has gone before !

When I was growing up, my parents and grandparents would take me and my two sisters on holidays to Ifracombe on the North Devon Coast, and more often or not we would go by the MV Balmoral, which would sail between Swansea and Ilfracombe in the Summer months, and while there go for boat trips that would sail from Ilfracombe harbour, I have  many happy memories of going there as child and early teenager, because of these memories I enjoy spending time by the Coast and now live in a Seaside Resort, although I have not been on a boat trip for a while, I'm fascinated both by boats and the Sea.

I remember a few years ago, while on holidays in Porthleven, Cornwall, spending time in the National Maritime Museum in Falmouth and had an interesting and enjoyable time there, although one thing I noticed more than others that the boats on display, none of them were in their original context , it was fascinating looking at these boats and reading all about them, but all them weren't doing the job they were designed and build for, yes, being on the water. Porthleven is a lovely, fishing village situated near Helston, and has a very picturesque harbour and I noticed that all the boats were doing the purpose they were designed and build for. Like other seaside holiday destinations, Porthleven has several shops selling goods to tourists, some of these shops sell model ships, they look exactly like the originals, but they could never do, the same job as the original ! they were just for display

For centuries Great Britain has been a maritime nation, and many of our national heroes have been sailors, from the historic figures like Sir Francis Drake, Horatio Nelson, Captain James Cook, to the fictional heroes such as Horatio Hornblower, many of our wars and the battles that we fought have involved fighting on Sea, from fighting the Spanish Armada, The Battle from Trafalgar, The Battle Of Jutland, The Battle of the River Plate. Most of our imports and exports travel by sea, the sea has important part to play into our history, present and future as Great Britain. The sea routes used today both for business and pleasure had to be discovered, and the ships that travel those routes use sea-charts to show them where they are going and how to get there, from the smallest cabin cruiser to the mighty container ship. Yet someone had to go out and navigate the sea in order for these sea-charts to be produced. Many of these men, such as Sir Francis Drake and Captain James Cook, stand tall throughout our history.

We see in our Bibles, countless references to sailing and to sea, from Noah's Voyage, to Jonah and we know that the Lord's Disciples Peter, Andrew, James and John were fisherman on the Sea of Galilee, and many of the early missionaries such as Paul, Barnabas, Silas, Mark, Timothy and Luke often travelled by sea to spread the Good News of the Gospel of Salvation to the people of the known world. In Ephesians 4:12, one of the meanings of the Greek Word we translate as equip is prepare a ship for voyage (one of the other meanings, is to set a broken bone).

In the 19th and 20th centuries many people left these shores and other shores to travel the world, to spread the Good News of the Gospel of Salvation, following the example of men like William Carey, John Wesley and George Whitfield, I remember growing up in small Pentecostal Church in the South Wales Valley's, and hearing about many men and women who went forth as missionaries, and being inspired by the reports that came back from our missionaries in places like Nigeria and India, I had the privilege not only of having a retired missionary as one of my Sunday School Teachers, and having two former missionary couples as my Pastor and his wife , but also being related to one of the earliest Pentecostal Pioneers from the United Kingdom to Nigeria, who in his later years inspired me to seek and serve God. While a student in Bible School, several of my lecturers had been missionaries, and I know how much they inspired me and my fellow students.

In the early part of the 21st Century, many of us may not have the same opportunities to travel to other lands following in the footsteps of our brothers and sisters who went before us, there are still opportunities we can take, perhaps in short-term mission trips, we have advancements in technology they didn't have anything  like the Internet, I remember being in School in the 1980's and never thought then I could not talk to people in places like America and Australia via a computer and a phone-line but to count them as friends as well. On the other hand we don't have to travel to other lands to be a missionary, we can be missionaries in our villages, towns, suburbs, cities but most importantly in our communities. I know that in the coming days, the Lord will inspire many of us to become missionaries on other towns, cities and regions throughout our own lands but other lands as well.

In the last 12-18 months, I have been greatly inspired by the writings of people like Alan J Roxburgh, Alan Hirsch, Neil Cole, Martin Robinson and Floyd McClung, especially when it comes to being Missional and being challenged by the concept of mission dei or God's Mission. I may not have the opportunities to travel to other lands to spread the Good News of the Gospel of Salvation, but it doesn't mean that there are no opportunities here in the United Kingdom. I've just read something that David Cameron, the Prime Minister here in the UK, said about Broken Britain and Social Recession. (If you would like to read more about Missional, I strongly recommend (Introducing the Missional Church by Alan J Roxburgh). Both my prayer and desire is to see God raise up His People here in the UK and other lands to see the spiritual needs in our own lands, and be willing to follow His direction either to pray, support or go, hopefully to do all, some of us He will send to our neighbours, some of us He will send to our streets, some to our towns and cities, but all He asks are we willing to go to those He will send us ?

Some of us in coming days, He will ask to be Pioneers, and to go where no-one has gone before or for some time, to break into new territory or to go and re-claim territory. I'm now going to share some Scriptures with you, and my Prayer is that God will use these Scriptures to challenge you for the first time or to challenge for you for the thousandth time, and follow his direction, which will not only impact your own live, but impact the lives of others, those who is sending you to.

If you're wondering if my title sounds familiar, it's from Star Trek, the days ahead will be days of challenge, courage and grace but most importantly of opportunity, and I pray that we take the courage and the grace, to take the opportunities those challenges will present to us.

Isa 6:8-9a TNIv

8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"

       And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" 9 He said, "Go and tell this people

Matt 28:19-20 NIv

19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in [a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,

20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Romans 10:14015a NCV

 14 But before people can ask the Lord for help, they must believe in him; and before they can believe in him, they must hear about him; and for them to hear about the Lord, someone must tell them;15 and before someone can go and tell them, that person must be sent.

Yours by His Grace

Blair Humphreys 

I was wondering about being ready by Vicky Walker

Are you there yet? Completed the non-negotiable, God-breathed decree of all that must be achieved before you are Ready For Marriage™? Contents vary by individual but these spiritually-infallible checklists often include… Reaching a particular age, and a certain point in your education or career, probably earning a certain amount; undertaking travel / obscure mission trips while still responsibility-free; being ready to ‘settle down’ and become a parent at a designated future point (or NOW depending on biological clock); drawing up a list of stringent requirements for your future partner (because, y’know, desires of your heart and all that) and submitting said list to God while reminding him of it on a weekly / daily / hourly basis (no comment). All done? You, my friend, are the finished article, materially, spiritually and emotionally. You’re READY. Bring on Mr / Miss Godly Spouse. It’s time to crack open Song of Songs.

Small note of caution though. If you’re not RFM yet don’t really get to know someone. Date, maybe, but don’t get serious. Why bother? Hold back emotions and commitment until the readiness process is complete and can be verified by angels (yes, I've checked – that’s what happens). Except… what if that’s not how it unfolds? What if you don’t get the dream career or it pays buttons or takes up every waking minute? What if the idea of being – or needing – ‘the provider’ is unrealistic? What if the pieces don’t fit together? Or what if you get to that mystical point in the future when everything you’d planned is in place and you don’t feel ‘ready’ after all? I mean, what does ready even feel like?

We might start telling ourselves (and prospective partners) we’re terrible at relationships. We might say we don’t know how to be with someone or we just haven’t met the one yet and that’s why we can’t commit. We wait for a magical encounter when we’ll cross paths and just know. Years can roll by while we hold back, repeatedly exiting promising scenarios because the time isn't right and we’re not there yet, or avoid relationships altogether. There is, of course, genuinely ‘not ready’. A difficult past, hurt from broken relationships, emotional issues that can keep us from being good for anyone. That’s the kind of ‘not ready’ to spend time putting right so we don’t sabotage our futures, but it’s not a place to stay. God heals so we don’t have to live hurt and hurt others. What we need to watch out for is the not ready that keeps us making excuses, suppressing feelings, avoiding intimacy. That’s the ‘not ready’ with no time limit.

I suspect love’s great adventure doesn't start with conditions. I’m intrigued by couples who set out without the pieces in place. Who don’t rush in without thinking, but also don’t allow hypothetical standards to determine the future. Who allow themselves to feel and risk and be open to possibility and to seeing it through together. I wonder if they are the ones who are actually ready because they commit, mature as they go, grow into love, and become the husbands and wives God intended them to be, through vulnerability, trial and error, prayer and perseverance, falling down and getting up again.

When you ask yourself if you’re ready, don’t aim for some distant spot in the future when everything will be perfect. Instead ask yourself if you’re ready to make time and space while you’re still a work in progress. Because that’s as ready as we get to be.

Marriage – What Would Jesus Do?

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Marriage – What Would Jesus Do? Watch this video message from Andrea (1m 52s). Play it in your church this Sunday to encourage people to pray! Download an A4 poster to take to church this Sunday > In just a few days time, the House of Commons will vote on what is certainly the most significant issue to come before it in this Parliamentary session. The Commons is on the verge of initiating a huge social re-engineering project and wrecking lasting damage on the vital institution of marriage.  MPs are threatening to move our nation away from God’s pattern for marriage as the union of one man and one woman for life. God gives that pattern not to oppress or restrict but because He loves us and delights to see humanity flourish. As our Creator, He knows and wants what is best for us individually and collectively. What would Jesus do? Built into creation and throughout the Scriptures, this is God’s pattern for marriage – a pattern that ultimately speaks of His own relationship and love for His people. And when Jesus Christ, the most compassionate person ever to have walked on earth, was asked about divorce, He went out of His way to uphold God’s pattern for marriage. We read in chapter 19 of Matthew’s gospel:  “Haven’t you read,” [Jesus] replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?" Jesus cared too much to have any place for the redefinition of marriage. He took people back to God’s original good pattern. He didn’t duck the issue. He spoke clearly – because He cared.  What will we do? The question for us in these critical days is whether we too will speak up for God’s good pattern for marriage, whatever the cost? Those pushing for this change want us to think it's inevitable. But now is not the time to lose confidence and seek compromise -  it's time to pray and speak! We need to see these proposed changes for what they are. ‘Redefinition’ is really erosion and destruction.  Eroding marriage in this way will bring greater hurt, pain and brokenness in our society and make it harder to address these issues. Eroding marriage will lead to greater exclusion of churches from public life and make it harder for people to hear the Gospel truth and experience Gospel love. Eroding marriage represents a rejection of God’s pattern and a further move away from Him, the giver of life and reconciliation. Eroding marriage will affect children and future generations even more than us, leading to even greater confusion about identity, purpose and meaning. As we face these critical days, we need to ask: “Do we care enough? Do we care as much as Jesus cares?”  If so, we must be prepared to speak. Yes, with compassion, gentleness and kindness. Yes, with awareness of the reality and struggle of same-sex attraction that some experience. But with confidence that God’s pattern for marriage is good and that its erosion will only bring damage and hurt.   We need to ask: “Are we ashamed of Jesus and His words? Are we ashamed of marriage?” Join us... May God give us grace and strength to stand together in these crucial days, crying out to Him in prayer and speaking of His gift of marriage to our society. We plan to do just that at the prayer gathering outside Parliament next Monday (20 May) and Tuesday (21 May) at 12-2pm and 5-7pm on both days. Please come along if you can. If you can't make it to London next week, why not organise a prayer gathering at your local church? Finally, thank you for all that you are doing to pray and stand for marriage.