Are Christian guys just too nice? Written by Danny Webster

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Sometimes I wish I had a little more bravado. Sometimes I wish I laughed at things other people found funny. I wish I was more spontaneous. I wish I was unpredictable. Surprising. I wish I had that edge. Whatever that edge maybe.

That edge that makes guys attractive to girls. And makes dates more than pleasant.

Because sometimes I think I am dull. Just dull. Barely making the mark of mediocrity known as pleasant.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Someone better, scrap that, not better necessarily. Better is a bit too much like nice which is a bit too much like pleasant which sounds rather like code for dull. Different, I want to be different.

Threads’ anonymous Girl About Town wrote about her date with pleasant Christian guy. And it provoked quite a reaction. Guys split down the middle between trying to demonstrate their ‘fun’ credentials, and those like myself who sneered at the somewhat faux virility and opted instead for self-deprecation. An elaborate double bluff showcasing introversion and nerd like pursuits as a masquerade to shield insecurities.

It’s a cliché that good guys finish last, but sometimes that is what it feels like. It feels as though to achieve success in one part of life I have to screw up a little more. I could swear here to make my point with added weight but I don’t want to. I prefer not to swear.

We turn finding someone to build a relationship with into a game, where there is success and failure, and we are tempted to try and stack our hand. We weigh percentages and hunches and work out what would give us an advantage. 

Wondering whether if we were someone else the road might be easier. Wondering if a new identity might help. Thinking how much greener the grass is through our rose tinted glasses.

We want everything to be okay, we want to be without blemish so we erect structures and façades to shelter our fragile self. We are told there are ways to behave, things to do and not to do, and knowing that we don’t always live up to that we sometimes try to present an image that we do.

I think that if I wear the costume enough it might become a second skin. It is never quite home, but close enough that I lose sight of the ways it betrays me.

Sara Kewly Hyde commented: “I think sometimes rather than discovering the fabulous and unique individual God’s made them to be, some men (people) are trying to be what impresses others and that in turn can lead to… Well a whole host of insecurities, the fruit of which is sometimes blandness… I think as Christians we also struggle to assimilate our dark or shadow side so at times repress it rather than asking God to glorify himself through it. Repression can also = pleasant but nowt else. If we allowed our imperfections to be as visible as our good bits then it’s unlikely ‘pleasant’ would be the adjective de jour here. Pleasant is great if accompanied by other adjectives.”

Another friend simply said: “pleasant might also mean stifled”.

When guys hear they are too pleasant, the immediate reaction can be to add another layer of characteristics they think might help. So as well as being the good Christian guy they also need to be the Alpha male chopping down trees, skinning rabbits and rescuing the damsel in distress. I mock to make a point.

Christian guys are told to pursue, protect, provide and pastor, and that becomes another list of things they ought to do to make the mark. If they are being rejected as dull, dismissed as pleasant, then they are not doing enough to woo the women.

We are afraid of doing it wrong. Asking the wrong girl out, acting improperly, not being sufficiently chivalrous, not picking up on signals, showing too much affection, or more likely not enough. And under the weight of it, all that emerges is a bland pleasantness that might not be offensive but betrays its insincerity. It can also freeze us into inactivity.

The layers of personhood expected to be worn to fulfil the role of the right Christian guy become so deep personhood is lost. In trying to be something we stop being ourselves.

Here’s the challenge, I get the thrill of the different, the exciting, the edgy, but telling Christian guys they are too pleasant puts them on the defensive. It knocks their security and only encourages more layers covering over who they are.

Truly pleasant

Being nice is not bad. Being pleasant is not just about being polite. And good guys do not need to finish last. But if the pleasantries are a charade or a forced manicure they leave an emptiness where you or I should be.

Dave Shearn put it like this: “I think lots of us are non-committal and non-confrontational in the name of being ‘loving’ and that is lame. Passive aggression and people not agreeing with God that he made them awesome also doesn’t help.”

It’s not that Christians are necessarily more dull than anyone else, but they are known and to some degree safe, and sometimes an element of danger is alluring. It can be pseudo-rebellious.

The unknown can be attractive but it is also dangerous. Because I hope one day to be fully known and to know someone fully. I want safety to be a good thing. In the long run maybe pleasantness is a valuable attribute.

That don’t impress me much

I want to marry someone who loves me, and not love who I might pretend to be. Someone who knows me with my frailties and my failings, who sees my longings and my hopes and dreams. But I also want to be a better man. And I think it is a noble thing to want to be with someone who prompts you to be your better self. Not some act to be more edgy or less pleasant. But to find the ways I can glorify God more fully. To see the ways I can live a more holy life. To bear witness to the image of God that gives me dignity and humanity. To echo in a quiet whisper the love that has been given me.

And be all of it. No one is just one thing. No one is just pleasant. No one is just dull. No one is just boring. And no one is just exciting, edgy or different. We are whole people with a breadth of characteristics and being pleasant is a good one to own. But if that’s all you see yourself as no wonder that don’t impress her.

And I think trying to impress a girl who takes your fancy is a good thing. As long as the impression you’re making is yours to give.

PS. while writing this a friend tweeted a link to an interesting sermon on ‘new rules for love, sex and dating’ so I thought I’d share it.

This article was originally published on 11 May 2013, on Danny’s blog

Read more articles on: Happiness, Singleness

I was wondering about being ready by Vicky Walker

 

Are you there yet? Completed the non-negotiable, God-breathed decree of all that must be achieved before you are Ready For Marriage™? Contents vary by individual but these spiritually-infallible checklists often include… Reaching a particular age, and a certain point in your education or career, probably earning a certain amount; undertaking travel / obscure mission trips while still responsibility-free; being ready to ‘settle down’ and become a parent at a designated future point (or NOW depending on biological clock); drawing up a list of stringent requirements for your future partner (because, y’know, desires of your heart and all that) and submitting said list to God while reminding him of it on a weekly / daily / hourly basis (no comment). All done? You, my friend, are the finished article, materially, spiritually and emotionally. You’re READY. Bring on Mr / Miss Godly Spouse. It’s time to crack open Song of Songs.

Small note of caution though. If you’re not RFM yet don’t really get to know someone. Date, maybe, but don’t get serious. Why bother? Hold back emotions and commitment until the readiness process is complete and can be verified by angels (yes, I've checked – that’s what happens). Except… what if that’s not how it unfolds? What if you don’t get the dream career or it pays buttons or takes up every waking minute? What if the idea of being – or needing – ‘the provider’ is unrealistic? What if the pieces don’t fit together? Or what if you get to that mystical point in the future when everything you’d planned is in place and you don’t feel ‘ready’ after all? I mean, what does ready even feel like?

We might start telling ourselves (and prospective partners) we’re terrible at relationships. We might say we don’t know how to be with someone or we just haven’t met the one yet and that’s why we can’t commit. We wait for a magical encounter when we’ll cross paths and just know. Years can roll by while we hold back, repeatedly exiting promising scenarios because the time isn't right and we’re not there yet, or avoid relationships altogether. There is, of course, genuinely ‘not ready’. A difficult past, hurt from broken relationships, emotional issues that can keep us from being good for anyone. That’s the kind of ‘not ready’ to spend time putting right so we don’t sabotage our futures, but it’s not a place to stay. God heals so we don’t have to live hurt and hurt others. What we need to watch out for is the not ready that keeps us making excuses, suppressing feelings, avoiding intimacy. That’s the ‘not ready’ with no time limit.

I suspect love’s great adventure doesn't start with conditions. I’m intrigued by couples who set out without the pieces in place. Who don’t rush in without thinking, but also don’t allow hypothetical standards to determine the future. Who allow themselves to feel and risk and be open to possibility and to seeing it through together. I wonder if they are the ones who are actually ready because they commit, mature as they go, grow into love, and become the husbands and wives God intended them to be, through vulnerability, trial and error, prayer and perseverance, falling down and getting up again.

When you ask yourself if you’re ready, don’t aim for some distant spot in the future when everything will be perfect. Instead ask yourself if you’re ready to make time and space while you’re still a work in progress. Because that’s as ready as we get to be.

4 More Reasons Why Practicing Homosexuals Can't Be Christians

4 More Reasons Why Practicing Homosexuals Can't Be Christians

Some Thoughts on Christian Marriage, an extract from God is a Matchmaker by Derek & Ruth Prince

Blair Humphreys, 8^th June 2013

1.     God Himself initiated marriage at the beginning of human history. Adam had no part in planning it. Without divine revelation, man cannot understand it; much less make it a part of his experience.

2.    The decision that the man was to marry proceeded from God, not from the man.

3.    God knew the kind of helper that the man needed.  The man did not

4.    God prepared the woman for the man

5.    God presented the woman to the man. The man did not have to go in search for her

6.    God ordained the nature of their life together.  Its end purpose was unity

7.    Jesus upheld God's original plan of marriage as binding on all who would become His disciples. It is still in force today

Some additional thoughts, also from God are a Matchmaker:-

§     That a Christian will enter into marriage not because it is his or her decision, but because it's God's.

§     That a Christian man will trust God both to choose and to prepare the wife he needs.  On the other side, a Christian woman will trust God to prepare her for the husband for whom God has appointed her.

§     That a Christian man, walking in the will of God, will find that God brings to him the wife whom He has chosen and prepared for him.  On the other side, a Christian woman will allow God to lead her to the husband for whom he has been preparing for her.

§     That the end purpose of marriage today is still what is was for Adam & Eve: perfect unity. Only those who fulfil the first three requirements , however, can expect also to enjoy the fulfilment of the end purpose

Broadening our Horizons, seeing our Christian Life through the Perspective of the Kingdom of God, Part 1

Ephesians 3:16-21 Nasb

16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the [m]saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. 20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21 to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations [n]forever and ever. Amen.

I was travelling with a friend of mine on our way to a respective homes after the prayer meeting at the Church where we are both active members, my friend pointed out a very distinctive smell as we got into his car and we both commented on the origin of this smell and we both realised it was the unique smell of silage and we both wondered how that smell got there.

I pointed although I grew up in the South Wales Valleys, I remembered a similar smells especially in the summer months, my friend pointed out about the rows of terraced houses that he saw in his travels to South Wales and how those terraced houses would be built alongside the sides of both hills and mountains, I pointed that I lived in a terraced house for a number of years with my parents and sisters in Melin Court, near Neath.

Melin Court (Cwrt) Waterfall.

When I was growing up in the South Wales Valleys, my only knowledge of Liverpool would be from TV programmes such as The Liverbirds, Bread, Watching and Brookside, and watching the news about the latest antics of Militant Tendency led by Derek Hatton when he attempted to turn Liverpool into the People’s Democratic Republic of Liverpool in the early 1980’s.

I first visited Liverpool some 12 or so years ago when I was travelling to Llandudno from Bradford by coach to see my Grandad who has been taken ill with a stroke and the coach had stopped in Liverpool, I remember looking at St George’s Hall and The Walker Art Gallery as I passed by on the Coach heading for The Mersey Tunnel and thinking wow what fantastic buildings.

Until two years ago when the Lord moved me from Neath to Southport, Liverpool would have been somewhere I would have visited for the day when staying on holiday or visiting Southport, and then some weeks ago when I started working in Liverpool, my perception changed, previously  it would have be somewhere I would go to go shopping, visiting Museums etc. or attending Interviews, my perceptions,  knowledge and understanding of Liverpool would have been restricted to these trips but since working in Liverpool these have both increased and developed.

Liverpool Town Hall.

I think Liverpool is a great place, and although I enjoy working there, it is not somewhere I would choose to live because of the simple fact God has called me to Southport.

For many us, our understanding of Spiritual Truths is based on the understanding of others, either because of the revelation and knowledge that has been revealed to them.

When I was a lad of 15 – 16 years old and living in Melin Court, my understanding of Liverpool was based on what I had seen on TV, this was not a true picture or understanding of Liverpool, and again I had been only walking on the Lord on my Christian Life’s journey for a few years and my understanding and revelation of the Lord, His Word, His Church and His Kingdom was limited, since then this has increased as I have walked in faith with Our Saviour and alongside other believers.

 If I had wanted to travel to the village of Abergawed on the opposite side of the valley, I had two ways of getting there,  the long way and the short way, the long way meant travelling up the valley some two miles to the village of Resolven and then down to the village of Abergawed or the most direct route across the railway line then across the river Neath and then across some fields, the long way was generally a safer route.

When the Lord speaks to us, and reveals an aspect of His truth and revelation to us we see more often or not he leads us not in the shortest route or indeed the most direct route but the long way around because we need to learn some things and adapt, change, grow up before we see the fullfilment of that revelation.

For many of us how understanding and revelation of God’s Word comes from reading Christian books I love reading especially My Bible and Christian books but for many of us including myself we need to put into practice and implement what we have learned and learned again and take action and see that revelation we have received from the Lord into a fuller and broader understanding.

Ephesians 3:20 - 21 Nasb

20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, 21 to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations [n]forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 4:11 – 16 Nasb

11 And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, 12 for the equipping of the [d]saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; 13 until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the [e]knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature [f]which belongs to the fullness of Christ. 14 [g]As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness [h]in deceitful scheming; 15 but [I]speaking the truth in love, [j]we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together [k]by what every joint supplies, according to the [l]proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

Every Blessing in Christ Jesus

Blair Humphreys

Southport, Merseyside

Are we there yet? Looking at our Journey of Faith and Adventure. Part 3, Dealing with Distractions, Disappointments and Delays in reaching our Destiny or Destination.

I mentioned in a previous post, that I’m Welsh and part of being Welsh is the love of singing or in my case attempting to sing !,  My dad is a Male Voice Choir called Swansea Gospel Male Voice Choir, and especially in the Welsh Valleys there is a History of Choral Singing, (Choir Singing).

One of the most well recognised and most famous Welsh Hymns is Guide me, O thou Great Jehovah (or Redeemer) which was written by one of the most famous Welsh Hymn Writers, William Williams (Pantycelyn) although originally written in the Welsh Language as Arglwydd, arwain trwy'r anialwch, It’s known throughout the World as Guide me, O thou Great Jehovah it’s also known as The Welsh Rugby Hymn or Bread of Heaven, where it’s sung with equal gusto when Wales play Rugby to when it’s sung in the Chapels and Churches.

Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah,

Pilgrim through this barren land;

I am weak, but thou art mighty;

Hold me with thy powerful hand:

Bread of heaven, bread of heaven

Feed me till I want no more.

Feed me till I want no more.

Open thou the crystal fountain

Whence the healing stream shall flow;

Let the fiery, cloudy pillar

Lead me all my journey through:

Strong deliverer, strong deliverer

Be thou still my strength and shield.

Be thou still my strength and shield.

When I tread the verge of Jordan,

Bid my anxious fears subside;

Death of death, and hell's destruction,

Land me safe on Canaan's side:

Songs of praises, songs of praises

I will ever give to thee.

I will ever give to thee.

Several weeks ago. I had the privilege to spend some time with one of my closest friends here in Southport, He and his wife are great friends to myself and others and are an inspirational couple, he’s also likes Organs especially Hammond Organs, a few weeks ago he had to go to South Wales to collect an Organ, so I went with him to help him collect it.   On the return journey we stopped at a Tesco Express Convenience Store to pick up refreshments and I had an urge for Welsh Cakes, so I picked up a pack of Brace’s Welsh Cakes and bought them home with me,  a few days later I was shopping at my local Asda and has I walked around the aisle’s I noticed tucked away in the Bakery Aisle, Brace’s Welsh Cakes, the Lord spoke to me through this, that he not would only provide me with the essentials here but would provide me with blessings here, because I’ve been obedient to Him.

After our successful trip to Wales, my friend asked me would I be interested in travelling to the north of Scotland with him to collect an Organ, I of course agreed because I believe part of being friends is helping each other, On our Journey we used two forms of navigation a Sat-Nav and a Road Atlas, on this journey we had to stop for fuel and food and we stopped at Carlisle, there were other people travelling that day, and although my friend and I were travelling to Scotland not everyone had the same destination as ourselves, as people either left the motorway because they were getting to their destination or they were joining the motorway to go to their destination,  I wondered to myself, firstly how long it would take to get to our destination and what would we find when we got there and what would it be like, on our journey we passed various road signs giving names of various locations like Glasgow, Stirling, Perth and Dundee and as some people kept leaving the road we were on and other people kept joining I wondered to myself how many people travelling had the same destination as we had.  We shared the road with other travellers, and for part of the journey we travelled alongside each other, then they left us and in some ways we left others because our destination was different from them, on our journey we passed several places of interest such as The Falkirk Wheel and Stirling Castle, but even if those places are interesting,  they could have been a distraction to us, It would have quiet easy because of the distance we had to travel to  change our destination and go with the flow and go somewhere like Glasgow or Perth, but they weren’t our destination We kept travelling and further north we went we saw less and less traffic, we passed through several sets of traffic lights when we went through on the Green Light, it would have quiet easy in our eagerness to get to our destination gone through on Red or Amber Lights because we didn’t want to be delayed, eventually we arrived in the beautiful seaside town of Gardenstown in Aberdeenshire, none of the travellers we had seen on our journey had also arrived in Gardenstown and for part of our journey we had travelled alongside others, either for a small part or longer part of our journey.

Gardenstown, Banff, Scotland.

In the Christian Life and Walk, we have two forms of Navigation, the Holy Spirit’s guidance in our life and the written word of God, The Bible,  I notice in our lives journey we use both forms of navigation and both lead us to the correct destination, there were other people travelling when we travelled and for part of our journey we travelled alongside each other but because our destination was different we parted company at various junctions, we had to also stop for fuel and food,  so on our Christian Life and Walk we need to stop to be refreshed and recharged,  because our destination was further along that others destinations it would have easier and more convenient to change our destination but it wouldn’t have been our true destination or our goal, It would have easy to be distracted and because we had seen something that attracted us and looks more achievable that our goal we settle in places that aren’t the correct or best place for us, because of various things we can be delayed on our journey but we still arrive at our destination.

I live in Southport, and our local train station is served by two train companies, Northern Rail who provide services to and from Manchester and Merseyrail who provide services to Liverpool, The Wirral and Chester, can you imagine if I decided to spend the day by visiting Chester but decided to travel to Manchester instead both have similar names but are two different places, Manchester is a great place but it wouldn’t have been my destination, when travelling to Chester you have to change trains at either Moorfields or Liverpool Central Stations , I could say to myself it has taken me 45 minutes to get to Liverpool, and it will  take another 50 minutes to get to Chester. I know I will stay here for a bit then move on to Chester but you end up in Liverpool which is a great place to visit but again not my destination, because Merseyrail is a local commuter line it stops at every train station between Southport and Liverpool one of these stations is Formby and in Formby there is a National Trust site that has a colony of Red Squirrels,  I could be distracted and decide to see these Red Squirrels, but again it’s not my destination!

Chester, Clock.

Why I’m saying these things?  You may ask, I’m using this has an illustration, some of us have decided to go to places that aren’t our destination/destiny but have made it our destination or destiny because it’s similar to our destination or destiny and others have places where we need to change to get to our destination or destiny and then others have been distracted by things we’ve seen or have been told and yes we all say we’re happy and fulfilled where we are and God is blessing us,  yes this things may be true up to point but to reach the full potential of our destiny we need to be where God has called us to be in the first place, yes it will mean change and/or upset but we need to be where God wants us to be!

It says in Habakkuk 2:3 For still the vision awaits its appointed time it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it;    it will surely come; it will not delay.

It says in Ephesians 3:20 – 21. 20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Amen.

Yours because of His Grace and Mercy

Blair Humphreys

What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like? JAN 12, 2006 |SCOTT CROFT

Courtship and dating — is one more biblical than the other? Learn more about the motive, mind-set and methods of each.  

Given this biblical theology of sex and marriage [presented in Sex and the Supremacy of Christ], what does a healthy, biblical dating or courting relationship look like in practice?

The attempt to answer that question has brought about a literary flood over the last several years, with different works bearing different levels of usefulness. A few examples include Boundaries in Dating; Boy Meets Girl; I Kissed Dating Goodbye; I Hugged Dating Hello; I Gave Dating a Chance; Her Hand in Marriage; The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mar. Right; and Wandering Toward the Altar.

These columns can be divided into two groups. One group generally supports the method of "dating" and attempts to instruct readers to date in a "Christian" way. The other group rejects the current dating method altogether as biblically flawed. It advocates an alternative system, which most describe as "courtship." In my reading, the book on this topic that seems the most sound theologically and practically is called Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris (he is also the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye).

What is the difference between courtship and dating, and is one more biblical than the other? I will provide a working definition of each, describe how the two methods are broadly different, and then recommend why one method is fundamentally more biblical than the other.

Defining Courtship and Dating

Let's begin by defining courtship. Courtship ordinarily begins when a single man approaches a single woman by going through the woman's father, and then conducts his relationship with the woman under the authority of her father, family, or church, whichever is most appropriate. Courtship always has marriage as its direct goal.

What then is dating? Dating, a more modern approach, begins when either the man or the woman initiates a more- than-friends relationship with the other, and then they conduct that relationship outside of any oversight or authority. Dating may or may not have marriage as its goal.

The Differences between Courtship and Dating

 What are the differences in these two systems? For our purposes, there are three broad differences between what has been called biblical courtship and modern dating.

1. The Difference in Motive

The first difference lies with the man's motive in pursuing the relationship. Biblical courtship has one motive — to find a spouse. A man will court a particular woman because he believes it is possible that he could marry her, and the courtship is the process of discerning whether that belief is correct. To the extent that the Bible addresses premarital relationships at all, it uses the language of men marrying and women being given in marriage (see Matt. 24:38; Luke 20:34-35).

Numbers 30:3-16 talks about a transfer of authority from the father to the husband when a woman leaves her father's house and is united to her husband. The Song of Solomon showcases the meeting, courtship, and marriage of a couple — always with marriage in view. I am not advocating arranged marriages; rather, I am pointing toward the biblical purpose for why young men and women associate with one another. These passages do not argue that marriage should be the direct goal of such relationships so much as they assume it.

Modern dating, on the other hand, need not have marriage as a goal at all. Dating can be recreational. Not only is "dating for fun" acceptable, it is assumed that "practice" and learning by "trial and error" are necessary, even advisable, before finding the person that is just right for you. The fact that individuals will be emotionally and probably physically intimate with many people before settling down with the "right person" is just part of the deal. Yet where is the biblical support for such an approach to marriage? There is none. How many examples of "recreational dating" do we see among God's people in the Bible? Zero. The category of premarital intimacy does not exist, other than in the context of grievous sexual sin.

The motive for dating or courting is marriage. The practical advice I give the singles at our church is, if you cannot happily see yourself as a married man (or woman) in less than one year, then you are not ready to date.

2. The Difference in Mind-set

The second major difference between biblical courtship and modern dating is the mind-set couples have when interacting with one another. What do I mean by that? Modern dating is essentially a selfish endeavour. I do not mean maliciously selfish, as in "I'm going to try to hurt you for my benefit." I mean an oblivious self-centeredness that treats the whole process as ultimately about me. After all, what is the main question everyone asks about dating, falling in love, and getting married? "How do I know if I've found the one?" What is the unspoken ending to that question? "For me." Will this person make me happy? Will this relationship meet my needs? How does she look? What is the chemistry like? Have I done as well as I can do?

I cannot tell you how many men I have counselled who are terrified to commit, worrying that as soon as they do, "something better will come walking around the corner."

Selfishness is not what drives a biblical marriage, and therefore should not be what drives a biblical courtship. Biblical courtship recognizes the general call to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves" (Phil. 2:3, NIV). It also recognizes the specific call that Ephesians 5:25 gives men in marriage, where our main role is sacrificial service. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. That means loving sacrificially every day. Biblical courtship means that a man does not look for a laundry list of characteristics that comprise his fantasy woman so that his every desire can be fulfilled, but he looks for a godly woman as Scripture defines her — a woman he can love and, yes, be attracted to, but a woman whom he can serve and love as a godly husband.

In other words, modern dating asks, "How can I find the one for me?" while biblical courtship asks, "How can I be the one for her?"

3. The Difference in Methods

Third, and most practically, modern dating and biblical courtship are different in their methods. And this is where the rubber really meets the road. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship, commitment precedes intimacy.

According to the current school of thought, the best way to figure out whether you want to marry a particular person is to act as if you are married and see if you like it. Spend large amounts of time alone together. Become each other's primary emotional confidantes. Share your deepest secrets and desires. Get to know that person better than anyone else in your life. Grow your physical intimacy and intensity on the same track as your emotional intimacy. What you do and say together is private and is no one else's business, and since the relationship is private, you need not submit to anyone else's authority or be accountable. And if this pseudo-marriage works for both of you, then get married. But if one or both of you do not like how it is going, go ahead and break up even if it means going through something like an emotional and probably physical divorce.

Such is the process of finding "the one," and this can happen with several different people before one finally marries. In the self-centred world of secular dating, we want as much information as possible to ensure that the right decision is being made. And if we can enjoy a little physical or emotional comfort along the way, great.

Clearly, this is not the biblical picture. The process just described is hurtful to the woman that the man purports to care about, not to mention to himself. And it clearly violates the command of 1 Thessalonians 4:6 not to wrong or defraud our sisters in Christ by implying a marriage-level commitment where one does not exist. It will have a damaging effect on the man's marriage and hers, whether they marry each other or not.

In Biblical relationship, commitment precedes intimacy. Within this model, the man should follow the admonition in 1 Timothy 5:1-2 to treat all young women to whom he is not married as sisters, with absolute purity. The man should show leadership and willingness to bear the risk of rejection by defining the nature and the pace of the relationship. He should do this before spending significant time alone with her in order to avoid hurting or confusing her.

He should also seek to ensure that a significant amount of time is spent with other couples or friends rather than alone. The topics, manner, and frequency of conversations should be characterized by the desire to become acquainted with each other more deeply, but not in a way that defrauds each other. There should be no physical intimacy outside the context of marriage, and the couple should seek accountability for the spiritual health and progress of the relationship, as well as for their physical and emotional intimacy.

Within this model, both parties should seek to find out, before God, whether they should be married, and whether they can service and honour God better together than apart. The man should take care not to treat any woman like his wife who is not his wife. Of course he must get to know his courting partner well enough to make a decision on marriage. However, prior to the decision to marry, he should always engage with her emotionally in a way he would be happy for other men to engage with her.

In all these ways, a biblical relationship looks different from a worldly relationship. If this is done well, Christian women will be honoured, even as they are pursued. Christian wives will be honoured. And God will be glorified.

From Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, John Piper and Justin Taylor editors, copyright 2005, pages 145-149. Used by permission of Crossway Books, a ministry of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60187, www.crossway.com. Download for personal use only.