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My husband is not my soul mate. Posted on July 22, 2013by Hannah It might seem odd that on this, our one-year anniversary, I am beginning a post with the declaration that my husband is not my soul mate. But he isn’t.

My husband is not my soul mate.

Posted on July 22, 2013by Hannah

It might seem odd that on this, our one-year anniversary, I am beginning a post with the declaration that my husband is not my soul mate. But he isn’t.

I wouldn’t want to imagine life without James. I enjoy being with him more than anyone else in this world. I love him more than I ever thought you could love someone, and I miss him whenever I am not with him. I wouldn’t want to married to anyone else other than James, which is good, because I plan on being married to him forever, and he has to die first.

But I reject the entire premise of soul mates.

Do you remember those awesome Evangelical 90’s/ early 2000’s where Jesus was kind of like our boyfriend and we all kissed dating good-bye because we just knew that God was going to bring us THE ONE and then life would be awesome? And THE ONE would most likely be a worship minister, or at the very least a youth pastor, and we would have to be in college when we would meet at some sort of rally to save children from disease or something. We would know that he was THE ONE because of his plethora of WWJD bracelets and because (duh) he had also kissed dating goodbye and was waiting for me, strumming Chris Tomlin songs on his guitar as he stared into whatever campfire was nearby. We would get married and it would be awesome FOREVER. If you were like me, in devote preparation for this moment, you wrote letters to your future spouse, preferably in a leather bound journal dotted with your overwhelmed tears. Yes, I actually did that. Suffice to say that I found this journal over Christmas break and it was so embarrassingly awful and emotional that I couldn’t even read it out-loud to James because I was crying from laughing so hard.

But then my theologian biblical scholar father shattered my dreams by informing me that God doesn’t have a husband for me, doesn’t have a plan for who I marry. NOT TRUE I scolded him, attacking him with the full force of Jeremiah 29:11 that God “knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future,” and obviously that means a hott Christian husband because God “delights in giving me the desires of my heart.”  He slammed through my horrible (yet popular) biblical abuse by reminding me that the first verse applied to the people of Israel in regards to a specific time and just didn’t even dignify my horrible abuse of the second verse with a rebuttal. Nope, he said, a husband is not only not a biblical promise, it is also not a specific element of God’s “plan for my life.” God’s plan is for us to be made more holy, more like Christ… not marry a certain person. (This advice was also used when I asked what college God wanted me to go to, accompanied I think by, “God doesn’t want you to be an idiot, so go somewhere you will learn.” )

And then he gave me some of the best relationship advice I ever got: There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry. You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person. As for compatibility, my mom would always pipe up when my girlfriends and I were making our lists of what we wanted in a spouse (dear well meaning Christian adults who thought this would help us not date scumbags: that was a bad idea and wholly unfair to men everywhere) that all that really mattered was that he loved the lord, made you laugh, and was someone you to whom you were attracted. The rest is frosting.

This is profoundly unromantic advice. We love to hear of people who “just can’t help who they love,” or people who “fall in love,” or “find the one person meant for them.”  Even within the Christian circle, we love to talk about how God “had someone” for someone else for all of time. But what happens to these people when the unstoppable and uncontrollable force that prompted them to start loving, lets them stop loving, or love someone else?  

What happens is a world where most marriages end in divorce, and even those that don’t are often unhappy.

My marriage is not based on a set of choices over which I had no control. It is based on a daily choice to love this man, this husband that I chose out of many people that I could have chosen to love (in theory, don’t imagine that many others were lined up and knocking at the door). He is not some illusive soul mate, not some divine fullfulment, not some perfect step on the rigorously laid out but of so secret “Plan for My Life.”

But he is the person that I giggly chose to go out on a date with in college. He is the person who chose to not dump me when I announced that I was moving to France for a year, then Kentucky for another year. He is the person who asked me to move to DC and I chose to do so. He is the person who decided to ask me to marry him and I agreed. At any step here, we could have made other choices and you know what? We might have married other people, or stayed single, and had happy and full lives.

But now I delight in choosing to love him everyday.

I like it better this way, with the pressure on me and not on fate, cosmos, or divinity. I will not fall out of love, cannot fall out of love, because I willingly dived in and I’m choosing daily to stay in. This is my joyous task, my daily decision. This is my marriage.

Someday I hope to have daughters and sons. I am going to pray for their futures everyday, and I will pray for who they might marry, but also what job they will have, who their friends will be, and most of all, that they delight in becoming more like Christ. But when my daughters come home starry-eyed from camp announcing that they can’t wait till the day they meet the man God has for them, I will probably pop their bubble and remind them that God doesn’t have a husband stored away somewhere for them.

He has a whole life, one of rich and abundant choices. And it is awesome. 

Oh, and for the record — I like James so much more than my imaginary, obnoxiously religious, youth pastor future husband. When I asked him if he had written Future Me letters as a child, he told me he was too busy memorizing Pink Floyd lyrics. But then he ran in the next room and wrote down what 14-year old James would have said in a letter to 14-year old Hannah: “I hope you’re hott.”  That’s why boys didn’t get swept up in that movement… they knew the truth all along.

(Also for the record, I actually think a lot of the high Evangelical movement was awesome, especially in so far as it made young people do a ridiculous amount of churchy activities so that we weren’t out doing drugs or at home watching re-runs because we didn’t even have Netflix yet. I was at youth group every time those doors were open and I LOVED it.  )

*All photos are by the wonder that is Whitney Neal Photography.

Update: This was a post to share a little bit of my heart with the [normally very small group of] people who read here. However, as it has been read more widely, please know that it was not to start a lengthy debate on the Internet. If your comment is rude, vulgar, excessively unkind, or fosters bickering, it will be removed. I appreciate reading all your comments, but I will also no longer be responding on this post. 

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Preparation is the Key!, Be Prepared

I’ve spend today preparing to attend the Without Borders 2013 Bible Week/Conference which is held at The Staffordshire County Showground near Stafford which starts tomorrow 20th July 2013.

I started ironing my clothes and putting them neatly, well fairly neatly in my suitcase about 7am this morning, being a typical man, I tend to leave things to the last possible moment.  I’ve had a mental list of things  to prepare for , I had a few extra’s to get like shorts and t-shirts, I realised this morning  that  I had only 3 pairs of clean socks, so decided to go to my local Asda and buy more socks. Phew!

Many years ago, I was in the Cubs, and the motto was "Be Prepared"

I decided what books to take and have got them ready to take with, I’ve remembered to pack my mobile and more importantly the phone charger, Yes, I’ve packed my Bible, well two Bibles,  I’m taking a study Bible as well,  this morning I packed 5 pairs of jeans, 5 shirts and t-shirts, 5 tops and jumpers, socks and underwear,  2 pairs of shorts and two polo shirts, 4 towels,  my toiletries, 2 pairs of shoes and clothes and shoes to wear to travel tomorrow,  I’ve even packed a waterproof coat in case it may rain and a hat because of the sun and I’ve been to the Cash Machine to take money out.

I did wonder, had I forgotten to prepare to take  anything else apart from the Kitchen Sink! And to be honest, I thought no,  I’m looking forward to spending quality time with my friends at my home church The Community Church, Southport and catching up with friends from other churches, but I had forgotten to do something in my busyness.

 I had forgotten to prepare my heart to see what the Lord wants to do in my life next week and in the lives of others. Yes in some ways Bible Week is a Holiday,  but also in many ways I’m spending time with my Lord, Saviour, Redeemer and  Friend, Jesus and am spending time with some of God’s people many of whom, I’ve been friends with and we have walked alongside in Covenant, Fellowship and Friendship for almost 20 years.

I’m looking forward in expectation to what God will do amongest us next week, and expecting God to move and touch lives including my own, and leave better than I went.

Joshua 3:5 “Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.”

1 Peter 3:13 “Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

A different kind of coming out

Features:

A different kind of coming out

After Steve Chalke and Rob Bell affirmed same-sex relationships earlier this year, Justin Brierley meets three evangelical church leaders who have decided to respond by going public about their sexuality.

In a basement under a church in London I’m meeting with three men who are in a support group. An unusual support group. ‘We were tempted to say that we meet in a nuclear bunker in an undisclosed location,’ says one of them with a wry smile.

They have been talking in private for a while, but believe now is the time for their voices and unique experience to be heard more widely. All three are evangelical church leaders who experience same-sex attraction, but all three describe themselves as either celibate or ‘post-gay’.

Earlier this year, Steve Chalke revealed a new (and much publicised) gay-affirming stance in February’s Christianity. Since then another well-known Christian figure, Rob Bell, has spoken out in favour of gay relationships. A recent poll by the Public Religious Research Institute in the USA showed that nearly half of young evangelicals there are in favour of gay marriage. If the headlines are to be believed, the Church is increasingly following society’s lead in affirming gay relationships.

None of the three men I’m speaking to claim to have the influence of Chalke or Bell, but they are hoping to redress the perceived liberalisation within the Church on this issue by speaking from their own countercultural experience. For two of them, same-sex attraction has been met with a commitment to remain celibate, while one of them experienced a change in his feelings that led to marriage with a woman. All three see the Bible’s prohibitions on same-sex relationships as nonnegotiable.

Homosexual feelings

The core of this group are Sam Allberry, a church leader in Maidenhead, Sean Doherty, a tutor at St Mellitus College, and Ed Shaw, who helps to lead Emmanuel Church in Bristol. They meet regularly on an informal basis to support and encourage each other, and as we chat, it’s evident that they deeply value this time. Allberry and Shaw share a dry sense of humour, while Doherty is more gregarious. In-jokes about Anglicanism abound as all three are involved with CofE churches. Their most pressing task is the forthcoming launch of a website called Living Out, aimed at helping others think through the realities of being same-sex attracted while remaining committed to a traditional view of Christian sexuality.

‘I keep hearing comments about how evangelicals are very anti-gay, and at the same time I keep meeting evangelical friends of mine who are beginning to drift on this issue,’ says Allberry. ‘But we can talk from a personal perspective about what it’s like dealing with this issue. From my own experience, I want to say that God is good and his word is good. It’s not always easy, but it’s a good word.’

Allberry describes to me how as a teenager his homosexual feelings conflicted with his new-found Christian faith. ‘I just felt that I was very dirty and that therefore other Christians might want to keep a distance.’ It was on hearing a liberating sermon that things began to change. ‘The pastor made a really big effort to say, “All of us are sexual sinners. There will be some who experience unwanted homosexual feelings. If that’s you, then you are not alone.” That was a key turning point for me.’

Last year Vaughan Roberts, a leading conservative evangelical, spoke for the first time of his own struggle with same-sex attraction in an interview with Evangelicals Now, which was widely applauded. Allberry knows him well and was inspired to be open with his own congregation too. He has just written Is God anti-gay? (The Good Book Company), arguing that what the Bible says about sex is ‘crystal clear’ but believing in it doesn’t make God a homophobe.

Shaw grew up in a Christian family and church where an evangelical view of sexuality was taught. He’s grateful that it meant he never pursued a gay relationship. ‘That’s never been in my mind as an option. Although I have found the experience really difficult, it’s never been difficult to reconcile with my faith. One of the best things my parents gave me was an understanding that the Christian life is often difficult and that God takes and uses suffering to make us more like him.

Doherty has perhaps the most unusual story of the three. He came to terms with his sexual orientation relatively quickly while at university, attending a church where he could talk about it freely. ‘Church was a place of nurture and unconditional acceptance, but at the same time the teaching was clear that I shouldn’t act on those sexual desires. In an environment where young people were being encouraged to experiment, I was really grateful that I had been kept from acting on my feelings.’

From gay to post-gay

What’s most surprising is that despite continuing to feel same-sex attracted, Doherty is now married with three children. ‘I came to realise that labelling myself as a gay person, albeit a celibate one, wasn’t actually helpful because it restricted me into this identity. The turning point was choosing to believe that my sexual identity was “male” – and that’s what determines whether I could be married or not.’ In time, he found his feelings changed to the degree that he fell in love with Gaby, a female friend who had supported him throughout his journey.

I admit to still being a little confused about Doherty. ‘Are you no longer gay?’ I ask. His response involves some carefully chosen terminology developed by Peter Ould, an Anglican blogging on sexuality who shares a similar story. ‘I don’t speak of myself as an “ex-gay” person. I prefer the term “post-gay”,’ he says. ‘You choose to move away from the label of “gay” altogether, which has come to be associated with a certain lifestyle. I’ve clearly experienced some change in my feelings so that I am attracted to my wife. But it’s definitely not a 180-degree reorientation. All of us will continue to have desires and feelings which aren’t right, until Jesus returns.’

And how does his wife feel about the fact he still experiences homosexual attraction? ‘In a sense it doesn’t bother her at all. Partly, she’s a tough cookie who’s able to make her peace with that. But all married people experience attraction to people they are not married to. There’s nothing inherently worse about those attractions being predominantly towards one sex or another.’

Allberry and Shaw share Doherty’s perspective, but accept that they will remain single for life if their orientation does not change. Meanwhile, the support group allows them to talk through the challenges of celibacy. Shaw admits to an internal struggle over the years. ‘It’s the same as for most heterosexual men – struggling with sexual fantasy. That is where the battleground lies for me.’ For Allberry, the issues are relational. ‘It can lead to strong emotional over-dependency,’ he says. ‘A really good male friend becomes the “messiah-friend”. I’ve had to learn the hard way about where to put boundaries when friendships have become a bit too intense.’

These admissions are offered in a disarmingly matter-of-fact way. However, the average outsider would probably regard all three men as repressed individuals, using theology to sublimate their natural sexual identity. But what feels natural isn’t always what’s best, according to Allberry. ‘We are fallen human beings. I don’t want to assume that my feelings are a wholly reliable guide to the best way for me to live. If I ate everything I feel like eating, I’d be even more out of shape than I am now.’ For Shaw, sexuality isn’t just expressed in sexual intercourse. ‘We indicate our love by who we don’t have sex with as well as who we do. I am a man with a sexuality that’s male which is celebrated, not repressed, through celibacy.’

Same-sex attraction and leadership

Being a church leader who is samesex attracted brings its own share of potential complications too. Shaw and Allberry only recently revealed their sexuality to their wider church family, but it’s been a positive experience. ‘I’ve almost been embarrassed by the warmth and kindness I’ve been shown by my church family,’ says Shaw. ‘People falling over themselves to express their desire to support and pray for me.’ Allberry agrees. ‘I think it’s really helpful that our churches have both known us well before we’ve disclosed this to them. We are still Ed and Sam to them.’

Another awkward question comes to mind. Male pastors often lay down rules about not meeting with women in one-to-one situations. What are the rules in their case? ‘Never see anyone…ever. And don’t do any work,’ is Allberry’s deadpan reply (while the others erupt in laughter).

Shaw says that being open about his struggle has actually led to better pastoral ministry. ‘People have this sense that I’ll be a good person to talk to: “Life’s not easy for Ed, so he’ll understand my problem.” As for boundaries, it’s about honesty and accountability. I have people who ask me whether there’s anyone in the church that I’m sexually attracted to. I won’t be asked every week, but I’ll be asked regularly.’

‘Which would be a good question to ask any church leader, regardless of sexuality,’ chips in Doherty.

There are other advantages to being ‘out’. Doomed church matchmaking attempts, for instance. ‘There’s sometimes a pressure for single Christians to get married. Being open about your feelings may help take that pressure off,’ advises Doherty. It’s a subject that provides some comic relief for the group as they recall awkward social occasions.

‘At weddings, it’s a great relief not to be sat next to someone the bride and groom have clearly marked out for me,’ says Shaw. ‘There were some lovely people in my church always trying to get me together with other lovely people, and it just saves a whole lot of embarrassment.’ Allberry agrees. ‘It’s easy to be single in your twenties at church, but in your thirties you become a bit more conspicuous and people ask, “Why hasn’t he sorted himself out?”’

Marriage is not the Holy Grail

Mirth gives way to a serious point. Churches often focus on the gift of marriage to the detriment of singleness. Shaw explains why it’s unhelpful for those who are committed to celibacy. ‘One of society’s mistakes is the belief that intimacy equals sex, and therefore the Bible is asking us to pass up intimate relationships and lead sad, lonely lives instead. It’s not true. The Bible sees friendship as an amazingly intimate relationship. I have a greater capacity for deep relationships with many people than my married friends do.’

Even so, do they ever feel they have missed out by not having a partner? Allberry says he has never envied friends in same-sex relationships, but when it comes to marriage ‘there’s part of me that would love to be a husband and a dad. I’m very close to several families, and you see family life at its best. But at other times you also realise it’s not all a walk in the park.’

Doherty presses home the point. ‘Married people can help by being more honest about the demands of marriage. Loneliness can be just as big a problem for married people as it is for single. There’s sexual temptation and dry spells too. It’s not as if there’s a really difficult lifestyle for some people and an easy lifestyle for others.’

Responding to Steve Chalke

Doherty first got in touch after reading the Christianity article by Steve Chalke in defence of gay relationships. ‘What’s wonderful is Steve’s willingness to welcome people. Being in a same-sex relationship in no way prevents you from being a committed Christian and having God at work in your life. But I couldn’t ever bless a relationship with an ongoing sexual aspect to it. God has given us sex to join together people who are different – a man and woman – to give us a picture of a relationship between Christ and the Church.’

While disagreeing with his conclusions, Allberry also understands Steve Chalke’s concern that churches need to be more inclusive of gay people. ‘We want to be welcoming and rightly inclusive because Jesus and the gospel are for everyone. But part of the gospel is that God loves us enough to challenge us, change us, frustrate us and contradict us.’

The cost can be high. Allberry tells the story of a man who approached him after a carol service at his church. He was in a gay relationship but wanted to find out more about following Jesus. ‘He asked me, “What could possibly be worth giving up this relationship for?” And I thought, “Golly, that’s an absolute blinder of a question.” But there must be an answer because Jesus must be worth it.’

The man did not become a Christian, though Allberry still regularly meets up with him to chat. I have to ask: isn’t it better to encourage him towards faith in Christ and then work out the ramifications afterwards?

‘I wasn’t saying you have to give up the gay relationship in order to become a Christian. But I didn’t want to bury anything in the small print,’ says Allberry. ‘I wanted to be real with him that this is what the teaching of Christ is on sexual ethics. I can’t say that this is a secondary issue, because the Bible speaks with one very clear voice. Part of the call of Jesus is for each of us to lay down our version of self and take up the cross and follow him.’

For Doherty, lowering the asking price of the kingdom isn’t an option either. ‘Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes on the cost of discipleship and the idea of “cheap grace” – that it doesn’t matter what you do, because you’ll still get to heaven. That’s not actually Christianity. Jesus says “repent and believe”.’

This seems to be the year when the ground has been cleared among evangelicals for an open and honest discussion about how homosexuality fits with the gospel. For those tired of the politics of gay marriage and confused on where the Church stands, hearing these personal stories of people choosing a different path may be the next step they need.

Sean Doherty

Soon after becoming a Christian at 16, Doherty realised he was attracted to men rather than women. He says that his church accepted him for who he was, but was also clear about sexual boundaries. ‘No one told me I needed to change my sexuality, but at the same time the teaching was clear that I shouldn’t act on those sexual desires’.

Over time, Doherty experienced a change in his feelings, falling in love with and marrying Gaby, with whom he has three children. He still experiences same-sex desires but describes himself as ‘post-gay’, choosing to define his sexuality in terms of his ‘male’ gender rather than gay or straight.

Sean Doherty is associate minister at St Francis, Dalgarno Way in London and teaches theology at St Mellitus College

Sam Allberry

Allberry became a Christian after hearing an evangelistic message aged 18. At the same time he began to realise he was attracted to men, but chose not to tell anyone. ‘I was desperate not to acknowledge those desires. I didn’t want to be different from the other guys I knew.’

A turning point came after hearing a sermon on homosexuality as one among a number of sexual temptations. ‘I suddenly felt able to share with that pastor.’ Realising that his orientation was not going to change, he began to confide in friends. He draws on his experience of living a celibate life in his new book Is God anti-gay? (The Good Book Company)

Sam Allberry is associate minister at St Mary’s Church, Maidenhead

Ed Shaw

The son of an Anglican vicar, Shaw grew up in a Christian family with ‘a really clear understanding about what the Bible says about sex and sexuality’. From puberty onwards he began to experience same-sex attraction, but hoped that it was a phase he would grow out of. ‘It hasn’t been a phase, it’s still there,’ he says. ‘Only by my late twenties was I in a position to talk about it with close friends.’

Choosing to be celibate, Shaw has found his pastoral ministry at his church was in fact enriched by being open about his experience of same-sex attraction.

Ed Shaw is part of the leadership of Emmanuel Church, Bristol

http://www.christianitymagazine.co.uk/Browse%20By%20Category/features/A%20different%20kind%20of%20coming%20out.aspx

Elders & Deacons working together

1 Timothy 3

English Standard Version Anglicised (ESVUK)

Qualifications for Overseers or Elders.

3 The saying is trustworthy: If anyone aspires to the office of overseer, he desires a noble task. 2 Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive,5 for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's church? 6 He must not be a recent convert, or he may become puffed up with conceit and fall into the condemnation of the devil. 7 Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace, into a snare of the devil.

Titus 1:5ff

5 This is why I left you in Crete, so that you might put what remained into order, and appoint elders in every town as I directed you— 6 if anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination. 7 For an overseer, as God's steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, 8 but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. 9 He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.

Qualifications for Deacons

8 Deacons likewise must be dignified, not double-tongued, not addicted to much wine, not greedy for dishonest gain. 9 They must hold the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience. 10 And let them also be tested first; then let them serve as deacons if they prove themselves blameless. 11 Their wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things. 12 Let deacons each be the husband of one wife, managing their children and their own household.

Acts 6; 1-7 ESV 

Now in these days when the disciples were increasing in number, a complaint by the Hellenists arose against the Hebrews because their widows were being neglected in the daily distribution. ² And the twelve summoned the full number of the disciples and said, “It is not right that we should give up preaching the word of God to serve tables. ³ Therefore, brothers, pick out from among you seven men of good repute, full of the Spirit and of wisdom, whom we will appoint to this duty. ⁴ But we will devote ourselves to prayer and to the ministry of the word.” ⁵ And what they said pleased the whole gathering, and they chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit, and Philip, and Prochorus, and Nicanor, and Timon, and Parmenas, and Nicolaus, a proselyte of Antioch. ⁶ These they set before the apostles, and they prayed and laid their hands on them. ⁷ And the word of God continued to increase, and the number of the disciples multiplied greatly in Jerusalem, and a great many of the priestsbecame obedient to the faith.