Features:
A different kind of coming out
After Steve Chalke and Rob Bell affirmed same-sex
relationships earlier this year, Justin Brierley meets three evangelical church
leaders who have decided to respond by going public about their sexuality.
In a basement under a church in London I’m meeting
with three men who are in a support group. An unusual support group. ‘We were
tempted to say that we meet in a nuclear bunker in an undisclosed location,’
says one of them with a wry smile.
They have been talking in private for a while, but
believe now is the time for their voices and unique experience to be heard more
widely. All three are evangelical church leaders who experience same-sex
attraction, but all three describe themselves as either celibate or ‘post-gay’.
Earlier this year, Steve Chalke revealed a new (and
much publicised) gay-affirming stance in February’s Christianity.
Since then another well-known Christian figure, Rob Bell, has spoken out in
favour of gay relationships. A recent poll by the Public Religious Research
Institute in the USA showed that nearly half of young evangelicals there are in
favour of gay marriage. If the headlines are to be believed, the Church is
increasingly following society’s lead in affirming gay relationships.
None of the three men I’m speaking to claim to have
the influence of Chalke or Bell, but they are hoping to redress the perceived
liberalisation within the Church on this issue by speaking from their own
countercultural experience. For two of them, same-sex attraction has been met
with a commitment to remain celibate, while one of them experienced a change in
his feelings that led to marriage with a woman. All three see the Bible’s
prohibitions on same-sex relationships as nonnegotiable.
Homosexual feelings
The core of this group are Sam Allberry, a church
leader in Maidenhead, Sean Doherty, a tutor at St Mellitus College, and Ed
Shaw, who helps to lead Emmanuel Church in Bristol. They meet regularly on an
informal basis to support and encourage each other, and as we chat, it’s
evident that they deeply value this time. Allberry and Shaw share a dry sense
of humour, while Doherty is more gregarious. In-jokes about Anglicanism abound
as all three are involved with CofE churches. Their most pressing task is the forthcoming
launch of a website called Living Out, aimed at helping others think through
the realities of being same-sex attracted while remaining committed to a
traditional view of Christian sexuality.
‘I keep hearing comments about how evangelicals are
very anti-gay, and at the same time I keep meeting evangelical friends of mine
who are beginning to drift on this issue,’ says Allberry. ‘But we can talk from
a personal perspective about what it’s like dealing with this issue. From my
own experience, I want to say that God is good and his word is good. It’s not
always easy, but it’s a good word.’
Allberry describes to me how as a teenager his
homosexual feelings conflicted with his new-found Christian faith. ‘I just felt
that I was very dirty and that therefore other Christians might want to keep a
distance.’ It was on hearing a liberating sermon that things began to change.
‘The pastor made a really big effort to say, “All of us are sexual sinners.
There will be some who experience unwanted homosexual feelings. If that’s you,
then you are not alone.” That was a key turning point for me.’
Last year Vaughan Roberts, a leading conservative
evangelical, spoke for the first time of his own struggle with same-sex
attraction in an interview with Evangelicals Now, which was widely
applauded. Allberry knows him well and was inspired to be open with his own
congregation too. He has just written Is God anti-gay? (The
Good Book Company), arguing that what the Bible says about sex is ‘crystal
clear’ but believing in it doesn’t make God a homophobe.
Shaw grew up in a Christian family and church where
an evangelical view of sexuality was taught. He’s grateful that it meant he
never pursued a gay relationship. ‘That’s never been in my mind as an option.
Although I have found the experience really difficult, it’s never been
difficult to reconcile with my faith. One of the best things my parents gave me
was an understanding that the Christian life is often difficult and that God
takes and uses suffering to make us more like him.
Doherty has perhaps the most unusual story of the
three. He came to terms with his sexual orientation relatively quickly while at
university, attending a church where he could talk about it freely. ‘Church was
a place of nurture and unconditional acceptance, but at the same time the
teaching was clear that I shouldn’t act on those sexual desires. In an
environment where young people were being encouraged to experiment, I was
really grateful that I had been kept from acting on my feelings.’
From gay to post-gay
What’s most surprising is that despite continuing
to feel same-sex attracted, Doherty is now married with three children. ‘I came
to realise that labelling myself as a gay person, albeit a celibate one, wasn’t
actually helpful because it restricted me into this identity. The turning point
was choosing to believe that my sexual identity was “male” – and that’s what
determines whether I could be married or not.’ In time, he found his feelings
changed to the degree that he fell in love with Gaby, a female friend who had
supported him throughout his journey.
I admit to still being a little confused about
Doherty. ‘Are you no longer gay?’ I ask. His response involves some carefully
chosen terminology developed by Peter Ould, an Anglican blogging on sexuality
who shares a similar story. ‘I don’t speak of myself as an “ex-gay” person. I
prefer the term “post-gay”,’ he says. ‘You choose to move away from the label
of “gay” altogether, which has come to be associated with a certain lifestyle.
I’ve clearly experienced some change in my feelings so that I am attracted to
my wife. But it’s definitely not a 180-degree reorientation. All of us will
continue to have desires and feelings which aren’t right, until Jesus returns.’
And how does his wife feel about the fact he still
experiences homosexual attraction? ‘In a sense it doesn’t bother her at all.
Partly, she’s a tough cookie who’s able to make her peace with that. But all
married people experience attraction to people they are not married to. There’s
nothing inherently worse about those attractions being predominantly towards
one sex or another.’
Allberry and Shaw share Doherty’s perspective, but
accept that they will remain single for life if their orientation does not
change. Meanwhile, the support group allows them to talk through the challenges
of celibacy. Shaw admits to an internal struggle over the years. ‘It’s the same
as for most heterosexual men – struggling with sexual fantasy. That is where
the battleground lies for me.’ For Allberry, the issues are relational. ‘It can
lead to strong emotional over-dependency,’ he says. ‘A really good male friend
becomes the “messiah-friend”. I’ve had to learn the hard way about where to put
boundaries when friendships have become a bit too intense.’
These admissions are offered in a disarmingly
matter-of-fact way. However, the average outsider would probably regard all
three men as repressed individuals, using theology to sublimate their natural
sexual identity. But what feels natural isn’t always what’s best, according to
Allberry. ‘We are fallen human beings. I don’t want to assume that my feelings
are a wholly reliable guide to the best way for me to live. If I ate everything
I feel like eating, I’d be even more out of shape than I am now.’ For Shaw,
sexuality isn’t just expressed in sexual intercourse. ‘We indicate our love by
who we don’t have sex with as well as who we do. I am a man with a sexuality
that’s male which is celebrated, not repressed, through celibacy.’
Same-sex attraction
and leadership
Being a church leader who is samesex attracted
brings its own share of potential complications too. Shaw and Allberry only
recently revealed their sexuality to their wider church family, but it’s been a
positive experience. ‘I’ve almost been embarrassed by the warmth and kindness
I’ve been shown by my church family,’ says Shaw. ‘People falling over
themselves to express their desire to support and pray for me.’ Allberry
agrees. ‘I think it’s really helpful that our churches have both known us well
before we’ve disclosed this to them. We are still Ed and Sam to them.’
Another awkward question comes to mind. Male
pastors often lay down rules about not meeting with women in one-to-one
situations. What are the rules in their case? ‘Never see anyone…ever. And don’t
do any work,’ is Allberry’s deadpan reply (while the others erupt in laughter).
Shaw says that being open about his struggle has
actually led to better pastoral ministry. ‘People have this sense that I’ll be
a good person to talk to: “Life’s not easy for Ed, so he’ll understand my
problem.” As for boundaries, it’s about honesty and accountability. I have
people who ask me whether there’s anyone in the church that I’m sexually
attracted to. I won’t be asked every week, but I’ll be asked regularly.’
‘Which would be a good question to ask any church
leader, regardless of sexuality,’ chips in Doherty.
There are other advantages to being ‘out’. Doomed
church matchmaking attempts, for instance. ‘There’s sometimes a pressure for
single Christians to get married. Being open about your feelings may help take
that pressure off,’ advises Doherty. It’s a subject that provides some comic
relief for the group as they recall awkward social occasions.
‘At weddings, it’s a great relief not to be sat
next to someone the bride and groom have clearly marked out for me,’ says Shaw.
‘There were some lovely people in my church always trying to get me together
with other lovely people, and it just saves a whole lot of embarrassment.’
Allberry agrees. ‘It’s easy to be single in your twenties at church, but in
your thirties you become a bit more conspicuous and people ask, “Why hasn’t he
sorted himself out?”’
Marriage is not the
Holy Grail
Mirth gives way to a serious point. Churches often
focus on the gift of marriage to the detriment of singleness. Shaw explains why
it’s unhelpful for those who are committed to celibacy. ‘One of society’s
mistakes is the belief that intimacy equals sex, and therefore the Bible is
asking us to pass up intimate relationships and lead sad, lonely lives instead.
It’s not true. The Bible sees friendship as an amazingly intimate relationship.
I have a greater capacity for deep relationships with many people than my
married friends do.’
Even so, do they ever feel they have missed out by
not having a partner? Allberry says he has never envied friends in same-sex
relationships, but when it comes to marriage ‘there’s part of me that would
love to be a husband and a dad. I’m very close to several families, and you see
family life at its best. But at other times you also realise it’s not all a
walk in the park.’
Doherty presses home the point. ‘Married people can
help by being more honest about the demands of marriage. Loneliness can be just
as big a problem for married people as it is for single. There’s sexual
temptation and dry spells too. It’s not as if there’s a really difficult
lifestyle for some people and an easy lifestyle for others.’
Responding to Steve
Chalke
Doherty first got in touch after reading the Christianity article
by Steve Chalke in defence of gay relationships. ‘What’s wonderful is Steve’s
willingness to welcome people. Being in a same-sex relationship in no way
prevents you from being a committed Christian and having God at work in your
life. But I couldn’t ever bless a relationship with an ongoing sexual aspect to
it. God has given us sex to join together people who are different – a man and
woman – to give us a picture of a relationship between Christ and the Church.’
While disagreeing with his conclusions, Allberry
also understands Steve Chalke’s concern that churches need to be more inclusive
of gay people. ‘We want to be welcoming and rightly inclusive because Jesus and
the gospel are for everyone. But part of the gospel is that God loves us enough
to challenge us, change us, frustrate us and contradict us.’
The cost can be high. Allberry tells the story of a
man who approached him after a carol service at his church. He was in a gay
relationship but wanted to find out more about following Jesus. ‘He asked me,
“What could possibly be worth giving up this relationship for?” And I thought,
“Golly, that’s an absolute blinder of a question.” But there must be an answer
because Jesus must be worth it.’
The man did not become a Christian, though Allberry
still regularly meets up with him to chat. I have to ask: isn’t it better to
encourage him towards faith in Christ and then work out the ramifications
afterwards?
‘I wasn’t saying you have to give up the gay
relationship in order to become a Christian. But I didn’t want to bury anything
in the small print,’ says Allberry. ‘I wanted to be real with him that this is
what the teaching of Christ is on sexual ethics. I can’t say that this is a
secondary issue, because the Bible speaks with one very clear voice. Part of
the call of Jesus is for each of us to lay down our version of self and take up
the cross and follow him.’
For Doherty, lowering the asking price of the
kingdom isn’t an option either. ‘Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes on the cost of
discipleship and the idea of “cheap grace” – that it doesn’t matter what you
do, because you’ll still get to heaven. That’s not actually Christianity. Jesus
says “repent and believe”.’
This seems to be the year when the ground has been
cleared among evangelicals for an open and honest discussion about how
homosexuality fits with the gospel. For those tired of the politics of gay
marriage and confused on where the Church stands, hearing these personal
stories of people choosing a different path may be the next step they need.
Sean
Doherty
Soon after becoming a Christian at 16, Doherty
realised he was attracted to men rather than women. He says that his church
accepted him for who he was, but was also clear about sexual boundaries. ‘No
one told me I needed to change my sexuality, but at the same time the teaching
was clear that I shouldn’t act on those sexual desires’.
Over time, Doherty experienced a change in his
feelings, falling in love with and marrying Gaby, with whom he has three
children. He still experiences same-sex desires but describes himself as
‘post-gay’, choosing to define his sexuality in terms of his ‘male’ gender
rather than gay or straight.
Sean Doherty is
associate minister at St Francis, Dalgarno Way in London and teaches theology
at St Mellitus College
Sam
Allberry
Allberry became a Christian after hearing an
evangelistic message aged 18. At the same time he began to realise he was
attracted to men, but chose not to tell anyone. ‘I was desperate not to
acknowledge those desires. I didn’t want to be different from the other guys I
knew.’
A turning point came after hearing a sermon on
homosexuality as one among a number of sexual temptations. ‘I suddenly felt
able to share with that pastor.’ Realising that his orientation was not going
to change, he began to confide in friends. He draws on his experience of living
a celibate life in his new book Is God anti-gay? (The Good Book Company)
Sam Allberry is
associate minister at St Mary’s Church, Maidenhead
Ed Shaw
The son of an Anglican vicar, Shaw grew up in a
Christian family with ‘a really clear understanding about what the Bible says
about sex and sexuality’. From puberty onwards he began to experience same-sex
attraction, but hoped that it was a phase he would grow out of. ‘It hasn’t been
a phase, it’s still there,’ he says. ‘Only by my late twenties was I in a
position to talk about it with close friends.’
Choosing to be celibate, Shaw has found his
pastoral ministry at his church was in fact enriched by being open about his
experience of same-sex attraction.
Ed Shaw is part of the leadership of Emmanuel Church, Bristol
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