JAN
12, 2006 |SCOTT
CROFT
Courtship
and dating — is one more biblical than the other? Learn more about the motive, mind-set
and methods of each.
Given
this biblical theology of sex and marriage [presented in Sex and the
Supremacy of Christ], what does a healthy, biblical dating or courting
relationship look like in practice?
The
attempt to answer that question has brought about a literary flood over the
last several years, with different works bearing different levels of
usefulness. A few examples include Boundaries in Dating; Boy Meets
Girl; I Kissed Dating Goodbye; I Hugged Dating Hello; I Gave Dating a Chance;
Her Hand in Marriage; The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of
Mar. Right; and Wandering Toward the Altar.
These
columns can be divided into two groups. One group generally supports the method
of "dating" and attempts to instruct readers to date in a
"Christian" way. The other group rejects the current dating method
altogether as biblically flawed. It advocates an alternative system, which most
describe as "courtship." In my reading, the book on this topic that
seems the most sound theologically and practically is called Boy Meets
Girl by Joshua Harris (he is also the author of I Kissed Dating
Goodbye).
What
is the difference between courtship and dating, and is one more biblical than
the other? I will provide a working definition of each, describe how the two
methods are broadly different, and then recommend why one method is
fundamentally more biblical than the other.
Defining
Courtship and Dating
Let's
begin by defining courtship. Courtship ordinarily begins when a single man
approaches a single woman by going through the woman's father, and then
conducts his relationship with the woman under the authority of her father,
family, or church, whichever is most appropriate. Courtship always has marriage
as its direct goal.
What
then is dating? Dating, a more modern approach, begins when either the man or
the woman initiates a more- than-friends relationship with the other, and then
they conduct that relationship outside of any oversight or authority. Dating
may or may not have marriage as its goal.
The
Differences between Courtship and Dating
What
are the differences in these two systems? For our purposes, there are three
broad differences between what has been called biblical courtship and modern
dating.
1.
The Difference in Motive
The
first difference lies with the man's motive in pursuing the
relationship. Biblical courtship has one motive — to find a spouse. A man will
court a particular woman because he believes it is possible that he could marry
her, and the courtship is the process of discerning whether that belief is
correct. To the extent that the Bible addresses premarital relationships at
all, it uses the language of men marrying and women being given in marriage
(see Matt. 24:38; Luke 20:34-35).
Numbers 30:3-16 talks about a transfer of authority
from the father to the husband when a woman leaves her father's house and is
united to her husband. The Song of Solomon showcases the meeting, courtship,
and marriage of a couple — always with marriage in view. I am not advocating
arranged marriages; rather, I am pointing toward the biblical purpose for why
young men and women associate with one another. These passages do not argue
that marriage should be the direct goal of such relationships so much as they
assume it.
Modern
dating, on the other hand, need not have marriage as a goal at all. Dating can
be recreational. Not only is "dating for fun" acceptable, it is
assumed that "practice" and learning by "trial and error"
are necessary, even advisable, before finding the person that is just right for you.
The fact that individuals will be emotionally and probably physically intimate
with many people before settling down with the "right person" is just
part of the deal. Yet where is the biblical support for such an approach to
marriage? There is none. How many examples of "recreational dating"
do we see among God's people in the Bible? Zero. The category of premarital
intimacy does not exist, other than in the context of grievous sexual sin.
The
motive for dating or courting is marriage. The practical advice I give the
singles at our church is, if you cannot happily see yourself as a married man
(or woman) in less than one year, then you are not ready to date.
2.
The Difference in Mind-set
The
second major difference between biblical courtship and modern dating is the mind-set couples
have when interacting with one another. What do I mean by that? Modern dating
is essentially a selfish endeavour. I do not mean maliciously selfish, as in
"I'm going to try to hurt you for my benefit." I mean an oblivious
self-centeredness that treats the whole process as ultimately about me.
After all, what is the main question everyone asks about dating, falling in
love, and getting married? "How do I know if I've found the one?"
What is the unspoken ending to that question? "For me." Will this
person make me happy? Will this relationship meet my needs? How does she look?
What is the chemistry like? Have I done as well as I can do?
I
cannot tell you how many men I have counselled who are terrified to commit,
worrying that as soon as they do, "something better will come walking
around the corner."
Selfishness
is not what drives a biblical marriage, and therefore should not be what drives
a biblical courtship. Biblical courtship recognizes the general call to
"do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility
consider others better than yourselves" (Phil. 2:3, NIV). It also recognizes the specific call that Ephesians 5:25 gives men in marriage, where our main
role is sacrificial service. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the
church, giving himself up for her. That means loving sacrificially every day.
Biblical courtship means that a man does not look for a laundry list of
characteristics that comprise his fantasy woman so that his every desire can be
fulfilled, but he looks for a godly woman as Scripture defines her — a woman he
can love and, yes, be attracted to, but a woman whom he can serve and love as a
godly husband.
In
other words, modern dating asks, "How can I find the one for me?"
while biblical courtship asks, "How can I be the one for her?"
3.
The Difference in Methods
Third,
and most practically, modern dating and biblical courtship are different in
their methods. And this is where the rubber really meets the road.
In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship,
commitment precedes intimacy.
According
to the current school of thought, the best way to figure out whether you want
to marry a particular person is to act as if you are married and see if you
like it. Spend large amounts of time alone together. Become each other's
primary emotional confidantes. Share your deepest secrets and desires. Get to
know that person better than anyone else in your life. Grow your physical
intimacy and intensity on the same track as your emotional intimacy. What you
do and say together is private and is no one else's business, and since the
relationship is private, you need not submit to anyone else's authority or be
accountable. And if this pseudo-marriage works for both of you, then get
married. But if one or both of you do not like how it is going, go ahead and
break up even if it means going through something like an emotional and
probably physical divorce.
Such
is the process of finding "the one," and this can happen with several
different people before one finally marries. In the self-centred world of
secular dating, we want as much information as possible to ensure that the
right decision is being made. And if we can enjoy a little physical or
emotional comfort along the way, great.
Clearly,
this is not the biblical picture. The process just described is hurtful to the
woman that the man purports to care about, not to mention to himself. And it
clearly violates the command of 1 Thessalonians 4:6 not to wrong or defraud our
sisters in Christ by implying a marriage-level commitment where one does not
exist. It will have a damaging effect on the man's marriage and hers, whether
they marry each other or not.
In
Biblical relationship, commitment precedes intimacy. Within this model, the man
should follow the admonition in 1 Timothy 5:1-2 to treat all young women to whom he is
not married as sisters, with absolute purity. The man should show leadership
and willingness to bear the risk of rejection by defining the nature and the
pace of the relationship. He should do this before spending significant time
alone with her in order to avoid hurting or confusing her.
He
should also seek to ensure that a significant amount of time is spent with
other couples or friends rather than alone. The topics, manner, and frequency
of conversations should be characterized by the desire to become acquainted
with each other more deeply, but not in a way that defrauds each other. There
should be no physical intimacy outside the context of marriage, and the couple
should seek accountability for the spiritual health and progress of the
relationship, as well as for their physical and emotional intimacy.
Within
this model, both parties should seek to find out, before God, whether they
should be married, and whether they can service and honour God better together
than apart. The man should take care not to treat any woman like his wife who
is not his wife. Of course he must get to know his courting partner well enough
to make a decision on marriage. However, prior to the decision to marry, he
should always engage with her emotionally in a way he would be happy for other
men to engage with her.
In
all these ways, a biblical relationship looks different from a worldly
relationship. If this is done well, Christian women will be honoured, even as
they are pursued. Christian wives will be honoured. And God will be glorified.
From Sex
and the Supremacy of Christ, John Piper and Justin Taylor editors,
copyright 2005, pages 145-149. Used by permission of Crossway Books, a ministry
of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60187, www.crossway.com.
1 comment:
I think Christians should approach relationships with marriage in mind which is to me courtship. We should ask God to make us ready for any potential mate.
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