Living a Life without Limits.

I’m going to ask you to think about this question and I would like you to pray about your answer and see what God will speak to you about? The question is what is limiting and/or restricting your life reaching its full God ordained and significant potential?

Seriously what is holding you back?, is it circumstances, disappointment, previous or existing rejection, the fear of rejection, fear of failure, or are you just scared etc., etc., this list could be almost endless but hey I can’t ask you what is holding your back only you can ask yourself that question?, I would like to clarify that God’s morals and ethics aren’t what is holding you because they aren’t negotiable

In some ways it’s the easiest thing to do, sitting either reminiscing about what has happened in the past or even day dreaming of what could happen in the future, but in both cases we’re letting life was all its fulfilment pass us by because we’re too busy reminiscing about the past or day dreaming about the future, yesterday isn’t today and today isn’t tomorrow! 

Earlier today, I had an email but unlike every email I’ve had today, this was prophetic, yet it wasn’t from a prophet or any other church leader, it was a job advert, to look at the email initially it looked boring and I didn’t pay it much attention, however when I took another look at, and thought’s it’s only an advert from the Royal Navy but the title caught my attention, “ Live a Life without Limits”, this title caught my attention and lead to chain of thought and I asked myself this question if serving in the Royal Navy is  Living a Life without Limits, how much more then should the Christian Life be Living a Life without Limits ?

In some ways we’ve contained ourselves by our present circumstances and situations we hold onto things than aren’t relevant or helpful or indeed beneficial  for us to do any longer, whatever that may be, instead of life in glorious hd we’ve settled for a monochrome lifestyle, a life devolved of power, passion, praise and purpose because of what happened in our past we try to find fulfilment in our yesterday when we need to find that fulfilment in today and we hope and pray for our better tomorrow however that tomorrow is actually today.  We become seemingly paralysed by the fear of failure and indecision, too afraid to make a move in case we make a mistake! If this sounds familiar stop for moment, pray and ask the Lord to show you what you do? however I’m going to give you a clue in  involves movement on your part !

Life was never meant to be dull and dusty, predictable and pain free, however we like the safety net of predictably, comfort and familiarity!  It’s time to live our Lives without our self-imposed Limitations.

It says in Ephesians 3:20-21 ESV

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Amen. 

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what does it mean to be a Christian Believer or Disciple in 2013, and for an example is it any different from being a Believer in 1913?, The world and society have changed a great deal in the last 100 years, the World has seen two World Wars, we have seen the rise and fall of political, economic & social systems,  we've seen an increase of the advance of technology and we’re reaping in many ways both the benefits and disadvantages of that technology!

We face both challenges and opportunities, persecution and praises, but then did the Church of the 1^st Century AD, the Christian Life was never meant to be boring, predictable and dull.  Our Lord Jesus says in John 10:10b “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly”

I give my life to Jesus in 1981, and have been a Jesus Follower or Disciple since then, my background is Welsh Pentecostal, and I was part of a great Christian Fellowship called The Apostolic Church (Apostolic not as in Oneness Gospel, They’re Trinitarian) for the early part of my Christian Walk, and in many ways Welsh Pentecostalism is closely related to the Welsh Chapel or Non-Conformist Culture, although in some ways has strong Evangelical roots.  I’m not criticising or condemning that Culture, I grew up in it and it’s my history. However for most of the last 20 years I've been part of Restoration/New Church/House Church stream or movement which is very much my present and indeed my future, these are the people God has called me to share my life with and be part of.

In many ways, History can be positive, negative or neutral. All of us have a History that includes a combination of various factors including good, bad and neither good or bad, we’ve all made mistakes and errors, but there have been times when we’ve done things well and are proud of what we’ve done and there times we regret, or are ashamed or embarrassed/disappointed about, we’ve all disappointed and hurt others and we’ve all been disappointed and hurt by others, sometimes unintentionally and if we’re honest intentionally too! It’s time to forgive ourselves and forgive others, for many of us unforgiveness is holding us back!

Matthew 6:14-15

 14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Colossians 3:12-17

12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

1 John 1:5-10

5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practise the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Many of us need to break free of our History, or the version of our History we believe or the version of our History that others have told us,  our history has little bearing or relevance to our present or a future,  our present and future isn't a  or no longer a case  of history repeating itself and its time to realise that for ourselves both on an individual or collective basis, our history isn’t our present or indeed our future, for too long we’ve lived in the present and looked to our  future and they for various reasons have become a continuation of our history,  today it’s time to stop and break that cycle.

We can no longer live in our history, wishing tomorrow, tomorrow I love you tomorrow, which is our present and future, then continue to live today as if was yesterday or indeed expect tomorrow to be like our yesterday, we can't travel back in time to change our yesterday, we can only live for today and pray, plan and prepare for tomorrow!

Can you imagine that  you live in a rickety old house that is falling down all around you, and there cobwebs and dust everywhere, there are no modern conveniences like running water or electricity, but you like it because it’s familiar and in way it feels safe and comfortable, suddenly there is knock on your front door and Jesus is standing there, and he asks you why are you living in your old house that doesn’t suit you when he has a better house for you, and just behind Jesus, you see a fantastic house,  your heart says wow, but your head says no, and you say thank you, Lord but I like my house and you close the door on Jesus,  you go and sit on your broken chair, and think I like my house it’s familiar then there is another knock on your door, and Jesus is standing there again, and again he shows the new house, and you think to yourself, I will visit this new house, and you walk inside and it just blows you away,  it’s your dream house, but you keep looking back at your old house,  and say you to yourself,  this new house is fantastic but my old house is familiar and go thank you Lord for showing me this new house but I still rather live in my old house, and close the door of the new house behind you, thinking this new house is too good for me and I don’t deserve it, you go back to your old house and you sit there and the rain comes and wind blows, and you think to yourself I can patch up this old house it wouldn’t be as nice as the new house, but it would be better than before, then there is another knock on your door and your answer it and it’s Jesus again, and you tell him your plans for your old house and he smiles and says to you, why continue to live in this old house when I’ve given this new house which is better for you and you do deserve it because I’ve forgiven you and because you’re in me and I’m in you. Then  you  suddenly find yourself   walking towards the new house, you start to get excited and start running towards it, and you say to yourself, it’s mine.  You sit in your new house on a comfortable sofa and Jesus is there with you, and you get up and to say thank you, you make Jesus a cup of tea, and through the kitchen window you see your old house and think to yourself why did I live there so long! When I could have lived here instead.

The old house is your history, and when Jesus shows us our new house which is our present and future, but because of we’re familiar with our history and because of our history we feel we don’t deserve our possible present and future, so we decide to patch up our history, but Jesus has better plans for us than to patch up our past he has a far better present and future that we think we deserve because of our history!

It says in Isaiah 43:18-19

“Remember not the former things,

    nor consider the things of old.

19 Behold, I am doing a new thing;

    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

It also says in Jeremiah 29:11-14a

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[b] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord

Yours because of His Grace and Mercy

Living a Life without Limits. Part 1:

I’m going to ask you to think about this question and I would like you to pray about your answer and see what God will speak to you about?  The question is what is limiting and/or restricting your life reaching its full God ordained and significant potential?

Seriously what is holding you back?, is it circumstances, disappointment, previous or existing rejection, the fear of rejection, fear of failure, or are you just scared etc., etc., this list could be almost endless but hey I can’t ask you what is holding your back only you can ask yourself that question?, I would like to clarify that God’s morals and ethics aren’t what is holding you back they’re non-negotiable.

Earlier today, I had an email but unlike every email I’ve had today, this was prophetic, yet I wasn’t from a prophet or any other church leader, it was a job advert, to look at the email initially it looked boring and I didn’t pay it much attention, however when I took another look at, and thought’s it’s only an advert from the Royal Navy but the title caught my attention, “ Live a Life without Limits”, this title caught my attention and lead to chain of thought and I asked myself this question if serving in the Royal Navy is  Living a Life without Limits, how much more then should the Christian Life be Living a Life without Limits ?

It says in Ephesians 3:20-21 ESV

²⁰ Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Amen.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what does it mean to be a Christian Believer or Disciple in 2013, and for an example is it any different from being a Believer in 1913?, The world and society have changed a great deal in the last 100 years, the World has seen two World Wars, we have seen the rise and fall of political, economic, social systems,  we seen an increase of the advance of technology and we’re reaping in many ways both the benefits and disadvantages of that technology!

We face both challenges and opportunities, persecution and praises, but then did the Church of the 1^st Century AD, the Christian Life was never meant to be boring, predictable and dull.  Our Lord Jesus says in John 10:10b “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly”

I give my life to Jesus in 1981, and have been a Jesus Follower or Disciple since then, my background is Welsh Pentecostal, and was part of a great Christian Fellowship called The Apostolic Church (Apostolic not as in Oneness Gospel, They’re Trinitarian) for the early part of my Christian Walk, and in many ways Welsh Pentecostalism is closely related to the Welsh Chapel or Non-Conformist Culture, although in some ways has strong Evangelical roots.  I’m not criticising or condemning that Culture, I grew up in it and it’s my history.

In many ways, History can be positive, negative or neutral. All of us have a History that includes a combination of various factors including good, bad and neither good or bad, we’ve all made mistakes and errors, but there have been times when we’ve done things well and are proud of what we’ve done and there times we regret, or ashamed or embarrassed about, we’ve all disappointed and hurt others and we’ve all been disappointed and hurt by others, sometimes unintentionally and if we’re honest intentionally too! It’s time to forgive ourselves and forgive others, for many of us unforgiveness is holding us back!

Matthew 6:14-15

 14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Colossians 3:12-17

12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

1 John 1:5-10

5 This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practise the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Many of us need to break free of our History, or the version of our History we believe or the version of our History that others have told us,  our history has little bearing or relevance to our present or a future,  our present and future aren’t or no longer a case  of history repeating itself and its time to realise that for ourselves both on an individual or collective basis, our history isn’t our present or indeed our future, for too long we’ve lived in the present and looked to our  future and they for various reasons have become a continuation of our history,  today it’s time to stop and break that cycle.

We can no longer live in our history, wishing tomorrow, tomorrow I love you tomorrow, which is our present and future, then continue to live today or tomorrow as if it was our yesterday!

Can you imagine that  you live in a rickety old house that is falling down all around you, and there cobwebs and dust everywhere, there are no modern conveniences like running water or electricity, but you like it because it’s familiar and in way it feels safe and comfortable, suddenly there is knock on your front door and Jesus is standing there, and he asks you why are you living in your old house that doesn’t suit you when he has a better house for you, and just behind Jesus, you see a fantastic house,  your heart says wow, but your head says no, and you say thank you, Lord but I like my house and you close the door on Jesus,  you go and sit on your broken chair, and think I like my house it’s familiar then there is another knock on your door, and Jesus is standing there again, and again he shows the new house, and you think to yourself, I will visit this new house, and you walk inside and it just blows you away,  it’s your dream house, but you keep looking back at your old house,  and say you to yourself,  this new house is fantastic but my old house is familiar and go thank you Lord for showing me this new house but I still rather live in my old house, and close the door of the new house behind you, thinking this new house is too good for me and I don’t deserve it, you go back to your old house and you sit there and the rain comes and wind blows, and you think to yourself I can patch up this old house it wouldn’t be as nice as the new house, but it would be better than before, then there is another knock on your door and your answer it and it’s Jesus again, and you tell him your plans for your old house and he smiles and says to you, why continue to live in this old house when I’ve given this new house which is better for you and you do deserve it because I’ve forgiven you and because you’re in me and I’m in you. Then suddenly you finding yourself walking towards the new house, you start to get excited and start running towards it, and you say to yourself, it’s mine.  You sit in your new house on a comfortable sofa and Jesus is there with you, and you get up and to say thank you, you make Jesus a cup of tea, and through the kitchen window you see your old house and think to yourself why did I live there so long! When I could have lived here instead.

The old house is your history, and when Jesus shows us our new house which is our present and future, but because of we’re familiar with our history and because of our history we feel we don’t deserve our possible present and future, so we decide to patch up our history, but Jesus has better plans for us than to patch up our past he has a far better present and future that we think we deserve because of our history!

It says in Isaiah 43:18-19

“Remember not the former things,

    nor consider the things of old.

19 Behold, I am doing a new thing;

    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

It also says in Jeremiah 29:11-14a

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[b] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord

In Part 2 we will continue to look Living a Life without Limits

Yours because of His Grace and Mercy

Blair Humphreys

Yet for this reason I found mercy The Justification of The Believer

1 Timothy 1:15-16

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

15 It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. 16 Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those [a]who would believe in Him for eternal life.

The 19^th Century American Hymn Writer, Fanny J Crosby wrote these wonderful words

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

O what a foretaste of glory divine!

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain:

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Saviour all the day long;

this is my story, this is my song,

praising my Saviour all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight!

Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;

Angels descending bring from above

Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Perfect submission, all is at rest!

I in my Saviour am happy and blest,

Watching and waiting, looking above,

Filled with his goodness, lost in His love

We have  looked at the phrase,  in 1 Tim 1:16, For this reason I found Mercy, today  we will start to look at the phrase The Justification and sanctification of believers through the finished work of Christ and  we will start to look at the doctrine of Justification and then next week we will follow on by looking at the doctrine of Sanctification. But what do we mean by Justification ?

Simply put, to justify is to declare righteous, to make one right with God. Justification is God’s declaring those who receive Christ to be righteous, based on Christ’s righteousness being imputed to the accounts of those who receive Christ

We are justified, declared righteous, at the moment of our salvation. Justification does not make us righteous, but rather pronounces us righteous. Our righteousness comes from placing our faith in the finished work of Jesus Christ. His sacrifice covers our sin, allowing God to see us as perfect and unblemished. Because as believers we are in Christ, God sees Christ's own righteousness when He looks at us. This meets God's demands for perfection; thus, He declares us righteous—He justifies us.

Justification is an instantaneous legal act of God in which he a) thinks of our sins as forgiven and Christ’s righteousness as belonging to us and b) declares us to be righteous in his sight

Now let us examine the Scriptures in regards to Justification

1.   Romans 3:21-26 21 But now apart [k]from the Law the righteousness of God has been manifested, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, 22 even the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all those [l]who believe; for there is no distinction; 23 for all [m]have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus; 25 whom God displayed publicly as a [n]propitiation [o]in His blood through faith. This was to demonstrate His righteousness, [p]because in the forbearance of God He passed over the sins previously committed; 26 for the demonstration, I say, of His righteousness at the present time, so that He would be just and the justifier of the one who [q]has faith in Jesus.

2.   Romans 5:1-11 Therefore, having been justified by faith, [a]we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and [b]we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only this, but [c]we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

3.   6 For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will hardly die for a righteous man; [d]though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Much more then, having now been justified [e]by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved [f]by His life. 11 And not only this, [g]but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.

4.   Romans 5:12-21 12 Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned— 13 for [h]until the Law sin was in the world, but sin is not imputed when there is no law. 14 Nevertheless death reigned from Adam until Moses, even over those who had not sinned in the likeness of the offense of Adam, who is a [i]type of Him who was to come15 But [j]the free gift is not like the transgression. For if by the transgression of the one the many died, much more did the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abound to the many. 16 The gift is not like that which came through the one who sinned; for on the one hand the judgment arose from one transgression [k]resulting in condemnation, but on the other hand the free gift arose from many transgressions [l]resulting in justification. 17 For if by the transgression of the one, death reigned through the one, much more those who receive the abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ.18 So then as through one transgression [m]there resulted condemnation to all men, even so through one act of righteousness [n]there resulted justification of life to all men. 19 For as through the one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners, even so through the obedience of the One the many will be made righteous. 20 [o]The Law came in so that the transgression would increase; but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, 21 so that, as sin reigned in death, even so grace would reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

5.   Galatians 2:16-21^”nevertheless knowing that a man is not justified by the works of ^[n]the Law but through faith in Christ Jesus, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of ^[o]the Law; since by the works of ^[p]the Law no ^[q]flesh will be justified. ¹⁷ But if, while seeking to be justified in Christ, we ourselves have also been found sinners, is Christ then a minister of sin? May it never be! ¹⁸ For if I rebuild what I have once destroyed, I prove myself to be a transgressor.¹⁹ For through ^[r]the Law I died to ^[s]the Law, so that I might live to God. ²⁰ I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and ^[t]the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. ²¹ I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes through^[u]the Law, then Christ died needlessly

6.   Romans 8:29-35 29 For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; 30 and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? 33 Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; 34 who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was [l]raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. 35 Who will separate us from the love of [m]Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?

JAN 12, 2006 |SCOTT CROFT

Courtship and dating — is one more biblical than the other? Learn more about the motive, mind-set and methods of each. 

Given this biblical theology of sex and marriage [presented in Sex and the Supremacy of Christ], what does a healthy, biblical dating or courting relationship look like in practice?

The attempt to answer that question has brought about a literary flood over the last several years, with different works bearing different levels of usefulness. A few examples include Boundaries in Dating; Boy Meets Girl; I Kissed Dating Goodbye; I Hugged Dating Hello; I Gave Dating a Chance; Her Hand in Marriage; The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mar. Right; and Wandering Toward the Altar.

These columns can be divided into two groups. One group generally supports the method of "dating" and attempts to instruct readers to date in a "Christian" way. The other group rejects the current dating method altogether as biblically flawed. It advocates an alternative system, which most describe as "courtship." In my reading, the book on this topic that seems the most sound theologically and practically is called Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris (he is also the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye).

What is the difference between courtship and dating, and is one more biblical than the other? I will provide a working definition of each, describe how the two methods are broadly different, and then recommend why one method is fundamentally more biblical than the other.

Defining Courtship and Dating

Let's begin by defining courtship. Courtship ordinarily begins when a single man approaches a single woman by going through the woman's father, and then conducts his relationship with the woman under the authority of her father, family, or church, whichever is most appropriate. Courtship always has marriage as its direct goal.

What then is dating? Dating, a more modern approach, begins when either the man or the woman initiates a more- than-friends relationship with the other, and then they conduct that relationship outside of any oversight or authority. Dating may or may not have marriage as its goal.

The Differences between Courtship and Dating

 What are the differences in these two systems? For our purposes, there are three broad differences between what has been called biblical courtship and modern dating.

1. The Difference in Motive

The first difference lies with the man's motive in pursuing the relationship. Biblical courtship has one motive — to find a spouse. A man will court a particular woman because he believes it is possible that he could marry her, and the courtship is the process of discerning whether that belief is correct. To the extent that the Bible addresses premarital relationships at all, it uses the language of men marrying and women being given in marriage (see Matt. 24:38; Luke 20:34-35).

Numbers 30:3-16 talks about a transfer of authority from the father to the husband when a woman leaves her father's house and is united to her husband. The Song of Solomon showcases the meeting, courtship, and marriage of a couple — always with marriage in view. I am not advocating arranged marriages; rather, I am pointing toward the biblical purpose for why young men and women associate with one another. These passages do not argue that marriage should be the direct goal of such relationships so much as they assume it.

Modern dating, on the other hand, need not have marriage as a goal at all. Dating can be recreational. Not only is "dating for fun" acceptable, it is assumed that "practice" and learning by "trial and error" are necessary, even advisable, before finding the person that is just right for you. The fact that individuals will be emotionally and probably physically intimate with many people before settling down with the "right person" is just part of the deal. Yet where is the biblical support for such an approach to marriage? There is none. How many examples of "recreational dating" do we see among God's people in the Bible? Zero. The category of premarital intimacy does not exist, other than in the context of grievous sexual sin.

The motive for dating or courting is marriage. The practical advice I give the singles at our church is, if you cannot happily see yourself as a married man (or woman) in less than one year, then you are not ready to date.

2. The Difference in Mind-set

The second major difference between biblical courtship and modern dating is the mind-set couples have when interacting with one another. What do I mean by that? Modern dating is essentially a selfish endeavour. I do not mean maliciously selfish, as in "I'm going to try to hurt you for my benefit." I mean an oblivious self-centeredness that treats the whole process as ultimately about me. After all, what is the main question everyone asks about dating, falling in love, and getting married? "How do I know if I've found the one?" What is the unspoken ending to that question? "For me." Will this person make me happy? Will this relationship meet my needs? How does she look? What is the chemistry like? Have I done as well as I can do?

I cannot tell you how many men I have counselled who are terrified to commit, worrying that as soon as they do, "something better will come walking around the corner."

Selfishness is not what drives a biblical marriage, and therefore should not be what drives a biblical courtship. Biblical courtship recognizes the general call to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves" (Phil. 2:3, NIV). It also recognizes the specific call that Ephesians 5:25 gives men in marriage, where our main role is sacrificial service. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. That means loving sacrificially every day. Biblical courtship means that a man does not look for a laundry list of characteristics that comprise his fantasy woman so that his every desire can be fulfilled, but he looks for a godly woman as Scripture defines her — a woman he can love and, yes, be attracted to, but a woman whom he can serve and love as a godly husband.

In other words, modern dating asks, "How can I find the one for me?" while biblical courtship asks, "How can I be the one for her?"

3. The Difference in Methods

Third, and most practically, modern dating and biblical courtship are different in their methods. And this is where the rubber really meets the road. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship, commitment precedes intimacy.

According to the current school of thought, the best way to figure out whether you want to marry a particular person is to act as if you are married and see if you like it. Spend large amounts of time alone together. Become each other's primary emotional confidantes. Share your deepest secrets and desires. Get to know that person better than anyone else in your life. Grow your physical intimacy and intensity on the same track as your emotional intimacy. What you do and say together is private and is no one else's business, and since the relationship is private, you need not submit to anyone else's authority or be accountable. And if this pseudo-marriage works for both of you, then get married. But if one or both of you do not like how it is going, go ahead and break up even if it means going through something like an emotional and probably physical divorce.

Such is the process of finding "the one," and this can happen with several different people before one finally marries. In the self-centred world of secular dating, we want as much information as possible to ensure that the right decision is being made. And if we can enjoy a little physical or emotional comfort along the way, great.

Clearly, this is not the biblical picture. The process just described is hurtful to the woman that the man purports to care about, not to mention to himself. And it clearly violates the command of 1 Thessalonians 4:6 not to wrong or defraud our sisters in Christ by implying a marriage-level commitment where one does not exist. It will have a damaging effect on the man's marriage and hers, whether they marry each other or not.

In Biblical relationship, commitment precedes intimacy. Within this model, the man should follow the admonition in 1 Timothy 5:1-2 to treat all young women to whom he is not married as sisters, with absolute purity. The man should show leadership and willingness to bear the risk of rejection by defining the nature and the pace of the relationship. He should do this before spending significant time alone with her in order to avoid hurting or confusing her.

He should also seek to ensure that a significant amount of time is spent with other couples or friends rather than alone. The topics, manner, and frequency of conversations should be characterized by the desire to become acquainted with each other more deeply, but not in a way that defrauds each other. There should be no physical intimacy outside the context of marriage, and the couple should seek accountability for the spiritual health and progress of the relationship, as well as for their physical and emotional intimacy.

Within this model, both parties should seek to find out, before God, whether they should be married, and whether they can service and honour God better together than apart. The man should take care not to treat any woman like his wife who is not his wife. Of course he must get to know his courting partner well enough to make a decision on marriage. However, prior to the decision to marry, he should always engage with her emotionally in a way he would be happy for other men to engage with her.

In all these ways, a biblical relationship looks different from a worldly relationship. If this is done well, Christian women will be honoured, even as they are pursued. Christian wives will be honoured. And God will be glorified.

From Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, John Piper and Justin Taylor editors, copyright 2005, pages 145-149. Used by permission of Crossway Books, a ministry of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60187, www.crossway.com. 

How to Win a Woman's Heart

MAR 25, 2013 |JOSHUA ROGERS

There was a time during my unmarried years when I was trying so hard to get dating right that I just ended up getting it weird.

There was a time during my unmarried years when I griped that the only women who were drawn to me were "old ladies, female relatives and little girls." I wondered what was wrong with all the eligible bachelorettes who were overlooking me. I should have asked myself what was wrong with me. I might have realized that I was trying so hard to get dating right that I just ended up getting it weird.

I think back to the many first dates where I discussed my thoughts on marriage before we had even finished our meals – weird. Then there was the excessive verbal processing of every little step in the relationship – so weird. And there were the countless dates that I managed to ruin by rambling on like I was talking to my therapist. It was embarrassingly weird, and it was all done to create an artificial sense of closeness and thereby force the outcome of marriage. It did not work.

On the other hand, some of the guys I knew had the opposite problem. Where I was trying to get engaged by the end of the third date, they could never seem to make it to the first one. Either they were apathetic to engaging with women one-on-one, or they actually believed that ambiguous social interactions were enough to keep things moving – well, it kept them moving alright: toward frustration and resentment on the part of the women who couldn't figure out where they stood with these guys.

In retrospect, I think we all could've used a good verbal shin-kicking to yank us out of our alternate realities. There's no guarantee it would have actually worked (heaven knows some people certainly tried), but if I could go back in time and be the one to make the speech, here's what I would have said.

Deal With Yourself

Before you're ever going to win a woman's heart, you've got to deal with your own. I'm not saying that you've got to be fully mature to pursue a woman, or no man would ever get married. What I'm saying is, if you've got a drinking problem, major credit card debt, serious daddy/mommy issues, a porn addiction – if you've dropped out of college multiple times and you can't keep a job, please don't invite a woman into that mess.

Get yourself into counselling, and while you're at it, do whatever it takes to be friends with an older, stable, married guy. Be completely transparent with these mentors and with God, and ask for help in moving toward stability. Why? Because part of what makes you so weird with women is the fact that you've got baggage that you're always subconsciously trying to hide. They sense it – even if they can't put their finger on it – and it leaves them feeling slightly uneasy.

Talking and praying through your issues with these mentors will help you change and be more confident as you introduce the real you to women. A healthy woman will pick up on the fact that you feel comfortable with yourself, and it will go a long way toward helping her feel the same way. But once you've done the work of making yourself more emotionally attractive, don't start aimlessly pursing women just because they'll say "yes" when you ask them out.

Decide Whether You're Interested

Every woman likes a man who is interesting, but a healthy woman will only be drawn to a man who is also interested. If you're just showing up in a woman's life to take her for a friendly test drive, she will sense it, and she won't feel completely safe. So figure out if you're drawn to her before you start pursuing. It will go a long way toward helping her trust you.

I'm not saying you can't make a move until you've figured out you want to marry her. I'm just saying you need to evaluate what you know about her and decide whether there's something about her that intrigues you. If there isn't, no need to waste her time. But if there is, don't just sit on your hands and hope she figures it out.

Let Her Know You're Interested

A few weeks into dating my wife, we were talking on the phone when she mentioned that she had enjoyed "hanging out" with me. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, but I was afraid that she might have misunderstood my intentions – I mean, when I'm "hanging out" with friends, I don't pay for their meal, wear my Friday night best, or gently touch their back while crossing the street.

So I said, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you think this relationship is?"

"I guess I would call it a really special friendship," she said.

"Whoa," I replied. "Then I need to clear things up. I'm not sure where this relationship is ultimately going, but when I meet a woman who is as beautiful, intelligent and spiritually mature as you, I don't spend time with her so that I can make a new 'friend.' I've got plenty of those. I'm spending time with you because I'm attracted to you. I just want to make sure you understand that."

"Oh," she said, seeming taken aback by my forwardness.

I knew it wasn't a perfect execution, but it was a vast improvement from the days when I would have freaked her out with some over-the-top, premature diatribe about pursuing marriage. And my approach was a lot better than some of my friends, who were spending all kinds of time with women without ever making their intentions clear.

As it turns out, even though my wife was, in fact, taken aback by my bluntness, she also liked it very much. She says it brought clarity, made her feel honoured, and quieted some of her nagging insecurities about whether I was actually into her.

So what I'm saying is, if you're attracted to a woman and that's the reason you're spending time with her, don't assume that's obvious to her. Say something – anything to let her know you're not just looking for another friendship (and not over text, email or Facebook – do I really have to say that?). And when the two of you start spending more time together, and she makes it clear the feeling is mutual, don't stop there.

Keep Reassuring Her

It's going to take some work to win a woman over – huge investments of time, money and humility. And as you make these investments in the relationship, they will provide little sources of momentum in your pursuit of the title "boyfriend." The problem comes when you assume that winning that title means you've won her heart. It does not.

No matter how confident and emotionally stable a woman may be, she will always need to be reassured of your love – not just while you're dating, but throughout engagement and all the different phases of marriage. That's right. Putting a ring on her finger – even a wedding band – won't totally resolve her lingering insecurities about whether your love can be trusted. In fact, you'll just be getting started.

The thing is, after you get married, what you do will mean so much more than what you say in your pursuit of her heart. Your words will still matter very much, but to breathe new life into phrases like “I love you” and “You’re beautiful,” you’ll have to practice the art of thankless chores, unconditional forgiveness, unconditional apologies, random acts of sweetness, and spiritual leadership, to name a few.

If all that hard work sounds overwhelming, don't give up.

There's a Way Forward

Maybe you're thinking that winning a woman's heart will require you to act like someone you're not. Well, you're right; it will. And here's why: She's not a man – she's not you, so meeting her unique needs won't come naturally. That's why you'll need some objective, outside help from the aforementioned stable married guy, a counsellor, or better yet, from a few women who care about you enough to tell you the truth.

Applying their advice will often be counterintuitive and involve making rookie mistakes as you learn the dying art of romancing a woman. But if you humbly approach the process like a student, you'll change in ways that make you more attractive to women, and eventually you'll develop an instinct for helping a woman feel secure in your love. Essentially, you'll learn how to care about her needs as much as you care about your own (Ephesians 5:28-29). And even if that doesn't instantly result in your meeting the woman of your dreams, at least when she shows up, you'll be better equipped to be the man of hers.

Copyright 2013 Joshua Rogers. All rights reserved.