10 Acts a Chivalrous Husband Should Show His Wife 4:00PM EDT 6/11/2013 ALLPRODAD.COM STAFF

Chivalry is a romantic idea, and often misunderstood. So first off, let’s be clear as to what the word really means. At FreeDictionary.com, chivalry is defined this way:

1. The medieval system, principles and customs of knighthood.

A. The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor and gallantry toward women.

B. A manifestation of any of these qualities.

2. A group of knights or gallant gentlemen. Fortunately for all of us—men, women and children—we have come a long way from medieval Europe, and a system of social protocols that made productive relationships based in equality virtually impossible.

However, there are deeper principles based on the values of self-giving love that still afford 21st-century men the opportunity to honor and respect their wives without the patronizing baggage of chauvinism.

So feel free to be your wife’s knight, ride up on your noble steed and demonstrate your dutiful affection via the following “10 Acts a Chivalrous Husband Does for His Wife”:

1. He always thinks of her first. This may sound like a no-brainer, but it’s also true that many of us play out our role as husbands while bypassing the brain as a matter of routine! Make this a personal discipline until it becomes second nature.

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2. He opens the door (not just the car door, but every door, every time). Yes, the car door thing is cliché. But it—and every door—is such a good opportunity to let both our wife and the entire world know how you honor her.

3. He holds her hand. A lot. For no good reason. Just holding your wife’s hand with no ulterior motive lets her know she’s deeply connected to you and that you prize her affection. It signals warmth and protection. And that she’s the only gal for you.

4. He walks on the street side of the sidewalk. Remember walking? Remember sidewalks? This action has its roots in shielding women from the mud and the splash. However, splash or no splash, it’s a posture that says, “I will protect you; I place myself between you and danger.” Simply moving around to that side is a huge statement of respect.

5. He gets soaked fetching an umbrella. Again, it’s the principle of the action. You get the car, you run around in the rain and open the door, you shield her with the umbrella. This kind of initiative is a way of life, not a novelty action.

6. He coaches his children in self-giving love. Don’t let it stop with you, All Pro Dad. Teach your children, especially your sons, to look out for their mother and to put her first. Kindness, when they see it in you and practice it in their own lives, will heal your family.

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7. He serves her coffee or tea in bed in the morning. Don’t ride in on the horse, but do serve her in this way as much as possible. And it’s also a good idea when the whole family eats together, that no one takes a bite until mom lifts her spoon. It’s a way to honor her sacrifice of preparing the meal.

8. He is always courteous. Many men are un-chivalrous in the way they put themselves first and fail to think of the needs of their wives. Say “please” and “thank you.” Do not raise your voice. Turn off the distractions when you eat together (she’s more important than answering the phone). Make it obvious that the relationship is primary. Believe us, courtesy sets the tone and is always reciprocated.

9. He washes her car before he washes his. It’s the little things. Did you offer her the last cookie? When you poured yourself a glass of water, did you offer her one too? Did it occur to you to wash her car when you spent all afternoon spiffing up yours?

10. He stands up and takes the heat. Does she know you have her back? Was the repair guy surly when she talked with him on the phone? Is she getting the run-around trying to sort out the insurance claim? Was the waiter at the restaurant or the clerk at the store out of line? We’re not suggesting you go Rambo on these people, but consider stepping up and saying, “Excuse me, but it’s unacceptable for you to talk to my wife that way.” But leave the shield, the lance and the sword in the car.

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10 Acts a Chivalrous Husband Should Show His Wife

10 Acts a Chivalrous Husband Should Show His Wife

Proverbs 31:10-31 New American Standard Bible (NASB) Description of a Worthy Woman

A Biblical  & Christian Wife

10 An excellent wife, who can find?

For her worth is far above jewels.

11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.

12 She does him good and not evil

All the days of her life.

13 She looks for wool and flax

And works with her hands in delight.

14 She is like merchant ships;

She brings her food from afar.

15 She rises also while it is still night

And gives food to her household

And portions to her maidens.

16 She considers a field and buys it;

From her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 She girds herself with strength

And makes her arms strong.

18 She senses that her gain is good;

Her lamp does not go out at night.

19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,

And her hands grasp the spindle.

20 She extends her hand to the poor,

And she stretches out her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household,

For all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She makes coverings for herself;

Her clothing is fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates,

When he sits among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,

And supplies belts to the tradesmen.

25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,

And she smiles at the future.

26 She opens her mouth in wisdom,

And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

27 She looks well to the ways of her household,

And does not eat the bread of idleness

28 Her children rise up and bless her;

Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:

29 “Many daughters have done nobly,

But you excel them all.”

30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,

But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her the product of her hands,

And let her works praise her in the gates.

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Are Christian guys just too nice? Written by Danny Webster

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Sometimes I wish I had a little more bravado. Sometimes I wish I laughed at things other people found funny. I wish I was more spontaneous. I wish I was unpredictable. Surprising. I wish I had that edge. Whatever that edge maybe.

That edge that makes guys attractive to girls. And makes dates more than pleasant.

Because sometimes I think I am dull. Just dull. Barely making the mark of mediocrity known as pleasant.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Someone better, scrap that, not better necessarily. Better is a bit too much like nice which is a bit too much like pleasant which sounds rather like code for dull. Different, I want to be different.

Threads’ anonymous Girl About Town wrote about her date with pleasant Christian guy. And it provoked quite a reaction. Guys split down the middle between trying to demonstrate their ‘fun’ credentials, and those like myself who sneered at the somewhat faux virility and opted instead for self-deprecation. An elaborate double bluff showcasing introversion and nerd like pursuits as a masquerade to shield insecurities.

It’s a cliché that good guys finish last, but sometimes that is what it feels like. It feels as though to achieve success in one part of life I have to screw up a little more. I could swear here to make my point with added weight but I don’t want to. I prefer not to swear.

We turn finding someone to build a relationship with into a game, where there is success and failure, and we are tempted to try and stack our hand. We weigh percentages and hunches and work out what would give us an advantage. 

Wondering whether if we were someone else the road might be easier. Wondering if a new identity might help. Thinking how much greener the grass is through our rose tinted glasses.

We want everything to be okay, we want to be without blemish so we erect structures and façades to shelter our fragile self. We are told there are ways to behave, things to do and not to do, and knowing that we don’t always live up to that we sometimes try to present an image that we do.

I think that if I wear the costume enough it might become a second skin. It is never quite home, but close enough that I lose sight of the ways it betrays me.

Sara Kewly Hyde commented: “I think sometimes rather than discovering the fabulous and unique individual God’s made them to be, some men (people) are trying to be what impresses others and that in turn can lead to… Well a whole host of insecurities, the fruit of which is sometimes blandness… I think as Christians we also struggle to assimilate our dark or shadow side so at times repress it rather than asking God to glorify himself through it. Repression can also = pleasant but nowt else. If we allowed our imperfections to be as visible as our good bits then it’s unlikely ‘pleasant’ would be the adjective de jour here. Pleasant is great if accompanied by other adjectives.”

Another friend simply said: “pleasant might also mean stifled”.

When guys hear they are too pleasant, the immediate reaction can be to add another layer of characteristics they think might help. So as well as being the good Christian guy they also need to be the Alpha male chopping down trees, skinning rabbits and rescuing the damsel in distress. I mock to make a point.

Christian guys are told to pursue, protect, provide and pastor, and that becomes another list of things they ought to do to make the mark. If they are being rejected as dull, dismissed as pleasant, then they are not doing enough to woo the women.

We are afraid of doing it wrong. Asking the wrong girl out, acting improperly, not being sufficiently chivalrous, not picking up on signals, showing too much affection, or more likely not enough. And under the weight of it, all that emerges is a bland pleasantness that might not be offensive but betrays its insincerity. It can also freeze us into inactivity.

The layers of personhood expected to be worn to fulfil the role of the right Christian guy become so deep personhood is lost. In trying to be something we stop being ourselves.

Here’s the challenge, I get the thrill of the different, the exciting, the edgy, but telling Christian guys they are too pleasant puts them on the defensive. It knocks their security and only encourages more layers covering over who they are.

Truly pleasant

Being nice is not bad. Being pleasant is not just about being polite. And good guys do not need to finish last. But if the pleasantries are a charade or a forced manicure they leave an emptiness where you or I should be.

Dave Shearn put it like this: “I think lots of us are non-committal and non-confrontational in the name of being ‘loving’ and that is lame. Passive aggression and people not agreeing with God that he made them awesome also doesn’t help.”

It’s not that Christians are necessarily more dull than anyone else, but they are known and to some degree safe, and sometimes an element of danger is alluring. It can be pseudo-rebellious.

The unknown can be attractive but it is also dangerous. Because I hope one day to be fully known and to know someone fully. I want safety to be a good thing. In the long run maybe pleasantness is a valuable attribute.

That don’t impress me much

I want to marry someone who loves me, and not love who I might pretend to be. Someone who knows me with my frailties and my failings, who sees my longings and my hopes and dreams. But I also want to be a better man. And I think it is a noble thing to want to be with someone who prompts you to be your better self. Not some act to be more edgy or less pleasant. But to find the ways I can glorify God more fully. To see the ways I can live a more holy life. To bear witness to the image of God that gives me dignity and humanity. To echo in a quiet whisper the love that has been given me.

And be all of it. No one is just one thing. No one is just pleasant. No one is just dull. No one is just boring. And no one is just exciting, edgy or different. We are whole people with a breadth of characteristics and being pleasant is a good one to own. But if that’s all you see yourself as no wonder that don’t impress her.

And I think trying to impress a girl who takes your fancy is a good thing. As long as the impression you’re making is yours to give.

PS. while writing this a friend tweeted a link to an interesting sermon on ‘new rules for love, sex and dating’ so I thought I’d share it.

This article was originally published on 11 May 2013, on Danny’s blog

Read more articles on: Happiness, Singleness

I was wondering about being ready by Vicky Walker

 

Are you there yet? Completed the non-negotiable, God-breathed decree of all that must be achieved before you are Ready For Marriage™? Contents vary by individual but these spiritually-infallible checklists often include… Reaching a particular age, and a certain point in your education or career, probably earning a certain amount; undertaking travel / obscure mission trips while still responsibility-free; being ready to ‘settle down’ and become a parent at a designated future point (or NOW depending on biological clock); drawing up a list of stringent requirements for your future partner (because, y’know, desires of your heart and all that) and submitting said list to God while reminding him of it on a weekly / daily / hourly basis (no comment). All done? You, my friend, are the finished article, materially, spiritually and emotionally. You’re READY. Bring on Mr / Miss Godly Spouse. It’s time to crack open Song of Songs.

Small note of caution though. If you’re not RFM yet don’t really get to know someone. Date, maybe, but don’t get serious. Why bother? Hold back emotions and commitment until the readiness process is complete and can be verified by angels (yes, I've checked – that’s what happens). Except… what if that’s not how it unfolds? What if you don’t get the dream career or it pays buttons or takes up every waking minute? What if the idea of being – or needing – ‘the provider’ is unrealistic? What if the pieces don’t fit together? Or what if you get to that mystical point in the future when everything you’d planned is in place and you don’t feel ‘ready’ after all? I mean, what does ready even feel like?

We might start telling ourselves (and prospective partners) we’re terrible at relationships. We might say we don’t know how to be with someone or we just haven’t met the one yet and that’s why we can’t commit. We wait for a magical encounter when we’ll cross paths and just know. Years can roll by while we hold back, repeatedly exiting promising scenarios because the time isn't right and we’re not there yet, or avoid relationships altogether. There is, of course, genuinely ‘not ready’. A difficult past, hurt from broken relationships, emotional issues that can keep us from being good for anyone. That’s the kind of ‘not ready’ to spend time putting right so we don’t sabotage our futures, but it’s not a place to stay. God heals so we don’t have to live hurt and hurt others. What we need to watch out for is the not ready that keeps us making excuses, suppressing feelings, avoiding intimacy. That’s the ‘not ready’ with no time limit.

I suspect love’s great adventure doesn't start with conditions. I’m intrigued by couples who set out without the pieces in place. Who don’t rush in without thinking, but also don’t allow hypothetical standards to determine the future. Who allow themselves to feel and risk and be open to possibility and to seeing it through together. I wonder if they are the ones who are actually ready because they commit, mature as they go, grow into love, and become the husbands and wives God intended them to be, through vulnerability, trial and error, prayer and perseverance, falling down and getting up again.

When you ask yourself if you’re ready, don’t aim for some distant spot in the future when everything will be perfect. Instead ask yourself if you’re ready to make time and space while you’re still a work in progress. Because that’s as ready as we get to be.

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Some Thoughts on Christian Marriage, an extract from God is a Matchmaker by Derek & Ruth Prince

Blair Humphreys, 8^th June 2013

1.     God Himself initiated marriage at the beginning of human history. Adam had no part in planning it. Without divine revelation, man cannot understand it; much less make it a part of his experience.

2.    The decision that the man was to marry proceeded from God, not from the man.

3.    God knew the kind of helper that the man needed.  The man did not

4.    God prepared the woman for the man

5.    God presented the woman to the man. The man did not have to go in search for her

6.    God ordained the nature of their life together.  Its end purpose was unity

7.    Jesus upheld God's original plan of marriage as binding on all who would become His disciples. It is still in force today

Some additional thoughts, also from God are a Matchmaker:-

§     That a Christian will enter into marriage not because it is his or her decision, but because it's God's.

§     That a Christian man will trust God both to choose and to prepare the wife he needs.  On the other side, a Christian woman will trust God to prepare her for the husband for whom God has appointed her.

§     That a Christian man, walking in the will of God, will find that God brings to him the wife whom He has chosen and prepared for him.  On the other side, a Christian woman will allow God to lead her to the husband for whom he has been preparing for her.

§     That the end purpose of marriage today is still what is was for Adam & Eve: perfect unity. Only those who fulfil the first three requirements , however, can expect also to enjoy the fulfilment of the end purpose