How to Win a Woman's Heart MAR 25, 2013 |JOSHUA ROGERS

There was a time during my unmarried years when I was trying so hard to get dating right that I just ended up getting it weird.

There was a time during my unmarried years when I griped that the only women who were drawn to me were "old ladies, female relatives and little girls." I wondered what was wrong with all the eligible bachelorettes who were overlooking me. I should have asked myself what was wrong with me. I might have realized that I was trying so hard to get dating right that I just ended up getting it weird.

I think back to the many first dates where I discussed my thoughts on marriage before we had even finished our meals – weird. Then there was the excessive verbal processing of every little step in the relationship – so weird. And there were the countless dates that I managed to ruin by rambling on like I was talking to my therapist. It was embarrassingly weird, and it was all done to create an artificial sense of closeness and thereby force the outcome of marriage. It did not work.

On the other hand, some of the guys I knew had the opposite problem. Where I was trying to get engaged by the end of the third date, they could never seem to make it to the first one. Either they were apathetic to engaging with women one-on-one, or they actually believed that ambiguous social interactions were enough to keep things moving – well, it kept them moving alright: toward frustration and resentment on the part of the women who couldn't figure out where they stood with these guys.

In retrospect, I think we all could've used a good verbal shin-kicking to yank us out of our alternate realities. There's no guarantee it would have actually worked (heaven knows some people certainly tried), but if I could go back in time and be the one to make the speech, here's what I would have said.

Deal With Yourself

Before you're ever going to win a woman's heart, you've got to deal with your own. I'm not saying that you've got to be fully mature to pursue a woman, or no man would ever get married. What I'm saying is, if you've got a drinking problem, major credit card debt, serious daddy/mommy issues, a porn addiction – if you've dropped out of college multiple times and you can't keep a job, please don't invite a woman into that mess.

Get yourself into counselling, and while you're at it, do whatever it takes to be friends with an older, stable, married guy. Be completely transparent with these mentors and with God, and ask for help in moving toward stability. Why? Because part of what makes you so weird with women is the fact that you've got baggage that you're always subconsciously trying to hide. They sense it – even if they can't put their finger on it – and it leaves them feeling slightly uneasy.

Talking and praying through your issues with these mentors will help you change and be more confident as you introduce the real you to women. A healthy woman will pick up on the fact that you feel comfortable with yourself, and it will go a long way toward helping her feel the same way. But once you've done the work of making yourself more emotionally attractive, don't start aimlessly pursing women just because they'll say "yes" when you ask them out.

Decide Whether You're Interested

Every woman likes a man who is interesting, but a healthy woman will only be drawn to a man who is also interested. If you're just showing up in a woman's life to take her for a friendly test drive, she will sense it, and she won't feel completely safe. So figure out if you're drawn to her before you start pursuing. It will go a long way toward helping her trust you.

I'm not saying you can't make a move until you've figured out you want to marry her. I'm just saying you need to evaluate what you know about her and decide whether there's something about her that intrigues you. If there isn't, no need to waste her time. But if there is, don't just sit on your hands and hope she figures it out.

Let Her Know You're Interested

A few weeks into dating my wife, we were talking on the phone when she mentioned that she had enjoyed "hanging out" with me. I wasn't sure what she meant by that, but I was afraid that she might have misunderstood my intentions – I mean, when I'm "hanging out" with friends, I don't pay for their meal, wear my Friday night best, or gently touch their back while crossing the street.

So I said, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you think this relationship is?"

"I guess I would call it a really special friendship," she said.

"Whoa," I replied. "Then I need to clear things up. I'm not sure where this relationship is ultimately going, but when I meet a woman who is as beautiful, intelligent and spiritually mature as you, I don't spend time with her so that I can make a new 'friend.' I've got plenty of those. I'm spending time with you because I'm attracted to you. I just want to make sure you understand that."

"Oh," she said, seeming taken aback by my forwardness.

I knew it wasn't a perfect execution, but it was a vast improvement from the days when I would have freaked her out with some over-the-top, premature diatribe about pursuing marriage. And my approach was a lot better than some of my friends, who were spending all kinds of time with women without ever making their intentions clear.

As it turns out, even though my wife was, in fact, taken aback by my bluntness, she also liked it very much. She says it brought clarity, made her feel honoured, and quieted some of her nagging insecurities about whether I was actually into her.

So what I'm saying is, if you're attracted to a woman and that's the reason you're spending time with her, don't assume that's obvious to her. Say something – anything to let her know you're not just looking for another friendship (and not over text, email or Facebook – do I really have to say that?). And when the two of you start spending more time together, and she makes it clear the feeling is mutual, don't stop there.

Keep Reassuring Her

It's going to take some work to win a woman over – huge investments of time, money and humility. And as you make these investments in the relationship, they will provide little sources of momentum in your pursuit of the title "boyfriend." The problem comes when you assume that winning that title means you've won her heart. It does not.

No matter how confident and emotionally stable a woman may be, she will always need to be reassured of your love – not just while you're dating, but throughout engagement and all the different phases of marriage. That's right. Putting a ring on her finger – even a wedding band – won't totally resolve her lingering insecurities about whether your love can be trusted. In fact, you'll just be getting started.

The thing is, after you get married, what you do will mean so much more than what you say in your pursuit of her heart. Your words will still matter very much, but to breathe new life into phrases like “I love you” and “You’re beautiful,” you’ll have to practice the art of thankless chores, unconditional forgiveness, unconditional apologies, random acts of sweetness, and spiritual leadership, to name a few.

If all that hard work sounds overwhelming, don't give up.

There's a Way Forward

Maybe you're thinking that winning a woman's heart will require you to act like someone you're not. Well, you're right; it will. And here's why: She's not a man – she's not you, so meeting her unique needs won't come naturally. That's why you'll need some objective, outside help from the aforementioned stable married guy, a counsellor, or better yet, from a few women who care about you enough to tell you the truth.

Applying their advice will often be counterintuitive and involve making rookie mistakes as you learn the dying art of romancing a woman. But if you humbly approach the process like a student, you'll change in ways that make you more attractive to women, and eventually you'll develop an instinct for helping a woman feel secure in your love. Essentially, you'll learn how to care about her needs as much as you care about your own (Ephesians 5:28-29). And even if that doesn't instantly result in your meeting the woman of your dreams, at least when she shows up, you'll be better equipped to be the man of hers.

Copyright 2013 Joshua Rogers. All rights reserved.

What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?

JAN 12, 2006 |SCOTT CROFT

Courtship and dating — is one more biblical than the other? Learn more about the motive, mind-set and methods of each. 

Given this biblical theology of sex and marriage [presented in Sex and the Supremacy of Christ], what does a healthy, biblical dating or courting relationship look like in practice?

The attempt to answer that question has brought about a literary flood over the last several years, with different works bearing different levels of usefulness. A few examples include Boundaries in Dating; Boy Meets Girl; I Kissed Dating Goodbye; I Hugged Dating Hello; I Gave Dating a Chance; Her Hand in Marriage; The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mar. Right; and Wandering Toward the Altar.

These columns can be divided into two groups. One group generally supports the method of "dating" and attempts to instruct readers to date in a "Christian" way. The other group rejects the current dating method altogether as biblically flawed. It advocates an alternative system, which most describe as "courtship." In my reading, the book on this topic that seems the most sound theologically and practically is called Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris (he is also the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye).

What is the difference between courtship and dating, and is one more biblical than the other? I will provide a working definition of each, describe how the two methods are broadly different, and then recommend why one method is fundamentally more biblical than the other.

Defining Courtship and Dating

Let's begin by defining courtship. Courtship ordinarily begins when a single man approaches a single woman by going through the woman's father, and then conducts his relationship with the woman under the authority of her father, family, or church, whichever is most appropriate. Courtship always has marriage as its direct goal.

What then is dating? Dating, a more modern approach, begins when either the man or the woman initiates a more- than-friends relationship with the other, and then they conduct that relationship outside of any oversight or authority. Dating may or may not have marriage as its goal.

The Differences between Courtship and Dating

 What are the differences in these two systems? For our purposes, there are three broad differences between what has been called biblical courtship and modern dating.

1. The Difference in Motive

The first difference lies with the man's motive in pursuing the relationship. Biblical courtship has one motive — to find a spouse. A man will court a particular woman because he believes it is possible that he could marry her, and the courtship is the process of discerning whether that belief is correct. To the extent that the Bible addresses premarital relationships at all, it uses the language of men marrying and women being given in marriage (see Matt. 24:38; Luke 20:34-35).

Numbers 30:3-16 talks about a transfer of authority from the father to the husband when a woman leaves her father's house and is united to her husband. The Song of Solomon showcases the meeting, courtship, and marriage of a couple — always with marriage in view. I am not advocating arranged marriages; rather, I am pointing toward the biblical purpose for why young men and women associate with one another. These passages do not argue that marriage should be the direct goal of such relationships so much as they assume it.

Modern dating, on the other hand, need not have marriage as a goal at all. Dating can be recreational. Not only is "dating for fun" acceptable, it is assumed that "practice" and learning by "trial and error" are necessary, even advisable, before finding the person that is just right for you. The fact that individuals will be emotionally and probably physically intimate with many people before settling down with the "right person" is just part of the deal. Yet where is the biblical support for such an approach to marriage? There is none. How many examples of "recreational dating" do we see among God's people in the Bible? Zero. The category of premarital intimacy does not exist, other than in the context of grievous sexual sin.

The motive for dating or courting is marriage. The practical advice I give the singles at our church is, if you cannot happily see yourself as a married man (or woman) in less than one year, then you are not ready to date.

2. The Difference in Mind-set

The second major difference between biblical courtship and modern dating is the mind-set couples have when interacting with one another. What do I mean by that? Modern dating is essentially a selfish endeavour. I do not mean maliciously selfish, as in "I'm going to try to hurt you for my benefit." I mean an oblivious self-centeredness that treats the whole process as ultimately about me. After all, what is the main question everyone asks about dating, falling in love, and getting married? "How do I know if I've found the one?" What is the unspoken ending to that question? "For me." Will this person make me happy? Will this relationship meet my needs? How does she look? What is the chemistry like? Have I done as well as I can do?

I cannot tell you how many men I have counselled who are terrified to commit, worrying that as soon as they do, "something better will come walking around the corner."

Selfishness is not what drives a biblical marriage, and therefore should not be what drives a biblical courtship. Biblical courtship recognizes the general call to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves" (Phil. 2:3, NIV). It also recognizes the specific call that Ephesians 5:25 gives men in marriage, where our main role is sacrificial service. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. That means loving sacrificially every day. Biblical courtship means that a man does not look for a laundry list of characteristics that comprise his fantasy woman so that his every desire can be fulfilled, but he looks for a godly woman as Scripture defines her — a woman he can love and, yes, be attracted to, but a woman whom he can serve and love as a godly husband.

In other words, modern dating asks, "How can I find the one for me?" while biblical courtship asks, "How can I be the one for her?"

3. The Difference in Methods

Third, and most practically, modern dating and biblical courtship are different in their methods. And this is where the rubber really meets the road. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship, commitment precedes intimacy.

According to the current school of thought, the best way to figure out whether you want to marry a particular person is to act as if you are married and see if you like it. Spend large amounts of time alone together. Become each other's primary emotional confidantes. Share your deepest secrets and desires. Get to know that person better than anyone else in your life. Grow your physical intimacy and intensity on the same track as your emotional intimacy. What you do and say together is private and is no one else's business, and since the relationship is private, you need not submit to anyone else's authority or be accountable. And if this pseudo-marriage works for both of you, then get married. But if one or both of you do not like how it is going, go ahead and break up even if it means going through something like an emotional and probably physical divorce.

Such is the process of finding "the one," and this can happen with several different people before one finally marries. In the self-centred world of secular dating, we want as much information as possible to ensure that the right decision is being made. And if we can enjoy a little physical or emotional comfort along the way, great.

Clearly, this is not the biblical picture. The process just described is hurtful to the woman that the man purports to care about, not to mention to himself. And it clearly violates the command of 1 Thessalonians 4:6 not to wrong or defraud our sisters in Christ by implying a marriage-level commitment where one does not exist. It will have a damaging effect on the man's marriage and hers, whether they marry each other or not.

In Biblical relationship, commitment precedes intimacy. Within this model, the man should follow the admonition in 1 Timothy 5:1-2 to treat all young women to whom he is not married as sisters, with absolute purity. The man should show leadership and willingness to bear the risk of rejection by defining the nature and the pace of the relationship. He should do this before spending significant time alone with her in order to avoid hurting or confusing her.

He should also seek to ensure that a significant amount of time is spent with other couples or friends rather than alone. The topics, manner, and frequency of conversations should be characterized by the desire to become acquainted with each other more deeply, but not in a way that defrauds each other. There should be no physical intimacy outside the context of marriage, and the couple should seek accountability for the spiritual health and progress of the relationship, as well as for their physical and emotional intimacy.

Within this model, both parties should seek to find out, before God, whether they should be married, and whether they can service and honour God better together than apart. The man should take care not to treat any woman like his wife who is not his wife. Of course he must get to know his courting partner well enough to make a decision on marriage. However, prior to the decision to marry, he should always engage with her emotionally in a way he would be happy for other men to engage with her.

In all these ways, a biblical relationship looks different from a worldly relationship. If this is done well, Christian women will be honoured, even as they are pursued. Christian wives will be honoured. And God will be glorified.

From Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, John Piper and Justin Taylor editors, copyright 2005, pages 145-149. Used by permission of Crossway Books, a ministry of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60187, www.crossway.com. 

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone my hope is found,

He is my light, my strength, my song;

this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

My Comforter, my All in All,

here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh

Fulness of God in helpless babe!

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones he came to save:

Till on that cross as Jesus died,

The wrath of God was satisfied -

For every sin on Him was laid;

Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain:

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave he rose again!

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,

For I am His and He is mine -

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,

This is the power of Christ in me;

From life's first cry to final breath.

Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till He returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Stuart Townend

Amazing Grace Hymn

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost, but now am found;

Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved;

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,

I have already come;

'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,

And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,

His word my hope secures;

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess, within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

The world shall soon dissolve like snow,

The sun refuse to shine;

But God, who called me here below,

Shall be forever mine.

When we've been there ten thousand years,

Bright shining as the sun,

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we'd first begun.

John Newton

Christian Marriage and Dating

I was wondering… about playing against type

I had a type. It changed occasionally (OK, regularly), sometimes depending on the last film I had seen or whoever I had just passed in the street. But there was always someone – a hypothetical someone – who ticked all the boxes. An invisible standard, lurking in my subconscious, by which all potential suitors would be measured. I just had to wait for him to glide majestically into view.

And then I passed 30.

Maybe you’re there already; maybe the magical milestone is still to come, but whichever side of the big 3-0 you happen to reside, there’s something you might have noticed. Although I didn’t look dramatically different – well, apart from a sudden love for support tights and elasticated waists, obviously – once word was out perceptions changed. Have you seen ‘Bride Wars’? I won’t judge you if you say yes. Thanks to my hairy, tattooed brother (yes really) I have, and a concept from it stuck in my mind. In summary: 30 is the last age a man will go out with a woman of his own age; after that, he always goes younger. A woman over 30, therefore, should expect the attentions of older men, not men the same age, who would only be interested in younger women.

Hmm. Thankfully God didn’t write ‘Bride Wars’.

And yet it seemed some people enthusiastically bought into this notion. I was suddenly suggested as the perfect companion for significantly older men. In one case, I was solemnly assured, because the gentleman in question had “never grown up” (hopefully not one of those chaps fond of wearing nappies). I was also told if I could hang on for a few more years I could catch the second-time-rounders back on the ‘market’, or even bide my time, staring intently from a distance without introduction, for some poor chaps to recover from tragically being widowed. None of it seemed terribly romantic. Slightly alarming, yes. Sinister? Just a little. A pre-defined role as a companion to the heartbroken (or Peter Pan) and I – and maybe they -didn’t get much say in what happened next. So much for having a type. I was already being typecast.

But then I looked around at couples I knew and saw a lot more variety. Differences in age, culture, race, education, height, weight and background. Men older than women but also (gasp!) women older than men. One couple born on the same day in the same year now excited about becoming grandparents. Couples who met at youth group and university and church but also couples who met on blind dates, by chance in nightclubs, even on trains. Unexpected matches in which both flourished. Where types didn’t apply, because something deeper had kicked in.

So when long-time single friends* announced they had found love with older, divorced single parents despite having devoted years to hooking super-hot, younger, uncomplicated matches it made me wonder. On paper (or online) it can seem so straightforward. This is what I want. Don’t even talk to me if you don’t fit. The delightfully misused ‘God will give me the desires of my heart’ wheeled out to justify preferences, but unless we’re perfect (except me, obviously) we need to broaden our horizons. Let character, sense of humour, inspiring conversation, kindness, even differences and challenges, draw us to others. Prepare to be surprised. See what we might be missing. Say goodbye to types and hello to possibilities.

*Male and female. Did you guess? 

Written by Vicky Walker   Posted in: Dating, Singleness

About Vicky Walker

Vicky Walker is a writer and speaker, among other things. Her book ‘Do I have to be good all the time?’ about life, love and awkward moments is available now from www.vickywalker.info

http://blog.christianconnection.co.uk/i-was-wondering-about-playing-against-type/

* I made a decision, some time ago had to re-post other people's blog's but this caught my attention, so I'm reposting it.*

Christian Marriage and Dating

Are Christian guys just too nice? Written by Danny Webster

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Sometimes I wish I had a little more bravado. Sometimes I wish I laughed at things other people found funny. I wish I was more spontaneous. I wish I was unpredictable. Surprising. I wish I had that edge. Whatever that edge maybe.

That edge that makes guys attractive to girls. And makes dates more than pleasant.

Because sometimes I think I am dull. Just dull. Barely making the mark of mediocrity known as pleasant.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else.

Someone better, scrap that, not better necessarily. Better is a bit too much like nice which is a bit too much like pleasant which sounds rather like code for dull. Different, I want to be different.

Threads’ anonymous Girl About Town wrote about her date with pleasant Christian guy. And it provoked quite a reaction. Guys split down the middle between trying to demonstrate their ‘fun’ credentials, and those like myself who sneered at the somewhat faux virility and opted instead for self-deprecation. An elaborate double bluff showcasing introversion and nerd like pursuits as a masquerade to shield insecurities.

It’s a cliché that good guys finish last, but sometimes that is what it feels like. It feels as though to achieve success in one part of life I have to screw up a little more. I could swear here to make my point with added weight but I don’t want to. I prefer not to swear.

We turn finding someone to build a relationship with into a game, where there is success and failure, and we are tempted to try and stack our hand. We weigh percentages and hunches and work out what would give us an advantage. 

Wondering whether if we were someone else the road might be easier. Wondering if a new identity might help. Thinking how much greener the grass is through our rose tinted glasses.

We want everything to be okay, we want to be without blemish so we erect structures and façades to shelter our fragile self. We are told there are ways to behave, things to do and not to do, and knowing that we don’t always live up to that we sometimes try to present an image that we do.

I think that if I wear the costume enough it might become a second skin. It is never quite home, but close enough that I lose sight of the ways it betrays me.

Sara Kewly Hyde commented: “I think sometimes rather than discovering the fabulous and unique individual God’s made them to be, some men (people) are trying to be what impresses others and that in turn can lead to… Well a whole host of insecurities, the fruit of which is sometimes blandness… I think as Christians we also struggle to assimilate our dark or shadow side so at times repress it rather than asking God to glorify himself through it. Repression can also = pleasant but nowt else. If we allowed our imperfections to be as visible as our good bits then it’s unlikely ‘pleasant’ would be the adjective de jour here. Pleasant is great if accompanied by other adjectives.”

Another friend simply said: “pleasant might also mean stifled”.

When guys hear they are too pleasant, the immediate reaction can be to add another layer of characteristics they think might help. So as well as being the good Christian guy they also need to be the Alpha male chopping down trees, skinning rabbits and rescuing the damsel in distress. I mock to make a point.

Christian guys are told to pursue, protect, provide and pastor, and that becomes another list of things they ought to do to make the mark. If they are being rejected as dull, dismissed as pleasant, then they are not doing enough to woo the women.

We are afraid of doing it wrong. Asking the wrong girl out, acting improperly, not being sufficiently chivalrous, not picking up on signals, showing too much affection, or more likely not enough. And under the weight of it, all that emerges is a bland pleasantness that might not be offensive but betrays its insincerity. It can also freeze us into inactivity.

The layers of personhood expected to be worn to fulfil the role of the right Christian guy become so deep personhood is lost. In trying to be something we stop being ourselves.

Here’s the challenge, I get the thrill of the different, the exciting, the edgy, but telling Christian guys they are too pleasant puts them on the defensive. It knocks their security and only encourages more layers covering over who they are.

Truly pleasant

Being nice is not bad. Being pleasant is not just about being polite. And good guys do not need to finish last. But if the pleasantries are a charade or a forced manicure they leave an emptiness where you or I should be.

Dave Shearn put it like this: “I think lots of us are non-committal and non-confrontational in the name of being ‘loving’ and that is lame. Passive aggression and people not agreeing with God that he made them awesome also doesn’t help.”

It’s not that Christians are necessarily more dull than anyone else, but they are known and to some degree safe, and sometimes an element of danger is alluring. It can be pseudo-rebellious.

The unknown can be attractive but it is also dangerous. Because I hope one day to be fully known and to know someone fully. I want safety to be a good thing. In the long run maybe pleasantness is a valuable attribute.

That don’t impress me much

I want to marry someone who loves me, and not love who I might pretend to be. Someone who knows me with my frailties and my failings, who sees my longings and my hopes and dreams. But I also want to be a better man. And I think it is a noble thing to want to be with someone who prompts you to be your better self. Not some act to be more edgy or less pleasant. But to find the ways I can glorify God more fully. To see the ways I can live a more holy life. To bear witness to the image of God that gives me dignity and humanity. To echo in a quiet whisper the love that has been given me.

And be all of it. No one is just one thing. No one is just pleasant. No one is just dull. No one is just boring. And no one is just exciting, edgy or different. We are whole people with a breadth of characteristics and being pleasant is a good one to own. But if that’s all you see yourself as no wonder that don’t impress her.

And I think trying to impress a girl who takes your fancy is a good thing. As long as the impression you’re making is yours to give.

PS. while writing this a friend tweeted a link to an interesting sermon on ‘new rules for love, sex and dating’ so I thought I’d share it.

This article was originally published on 11 May 2013, on Danny’s blog

Read more articles on: Happiness, Singleness

Jesus Shall Reign

1.     Jesus shall reign where'er the sun

        does its successive journeys run;

        his kingdom spread from shore to shore,

        till moons shall wax and wane no more.

2.     To Jesus endless prayer be made,

        and endless praises crown his head;

        his name like sweet perfume shall rise

        with every morning sacrifice.

3.     People and realms of every tongue

        dwell on his love with sweetest song;

        and infant voices shall proclaim

        their early blessings on his name.

4.     Blessings abound where'er he reigns;

        all prisoners leap and loose their chains;

        the weary find eternal rest,

        and all who suffer want are blest.

5.     Let every creature rise and bring

        honours peculiar to our King;

        angels descend with songs again,

        and earth repeat the loud amen!

Isaac Watts 1674-1748